Why Does Kimmie Always Have to Act Sexy?!

We’ve got it. She’s rich, has perfect Victoria Secret Angels hair, moderately Botoxed lips, and a derriere with an unfair ratio of barely any cellulite to go with its size (hello, Lipo?). But despite her modern day Sophia Loren-esque sex appeal, home girl has GOT to relax. From playing with her nephew to eating a sandwich, everything Kim Kardashian does is labeled with some in-your-face innuendo. Now, I could understand this if she debuted in her first film as a prudey character; however, her first movie debut was in a sex tape with disgusting Ray J and her first cover was on Playboy. And aside from being photographed with so many men that she’s practically the mattress of Hollywood, her charm, philanthropic efforts, and family-first mentality will be completely overshadowed should she continue to keep this up. Here are some shots of Kim exuding sex in her daily life:



Pull your damn bottoms up and put
on a cover up!!! I understand it's the
beach, but football is an agressive game

Kim (second from the left), needs to have her boobies out
for her family's Christmas card. She looks fab, but save this
look for an award show! Plus, the 12 year old sister to her
left looks like Elvira.

Because who REALLY wears this for
a workout?

At the opening for Sugar Gourmet Lollipops.
No comment.

Because why not have the perfect
DSL pout when posing with your
eight-month-old nephew?



Again, this post is by no means a bash on Kim Kardashian. I think she's done a great job marketing herself and reinforces my own sense of pride in my curves. With the Kate Moss' and Natalie Portman's framing Hollywood's female body standards for the past five years, the Kardashian girls do shed a positive image in the fact that a girl doesn't have to be a stick thin Ana to be beautiful. I just wish she'd be a little bit more regular sometimes.

Fabulous Holidays

I grew up with a mom who loved Longchamp, Ralph Lauren, and Earth tones. And though I wouldn’t trade her for anything else in the world, definitely blossomed into a person of different tastes, preferences, and styles. This especially came into fruition every year during the holidays; I’d want the blinking colored lights, she’d want classy white ones. She’d insist on a real tree, but my allergies would always make me complain for a fake one. And, most memorably, she bought a Caucasian, light-up Santa Claus for our yard, and I asked why we couldn’t have bought a Black one (to match the Black light up Santa that my childhood best friend’s family had). But in the spirit of creativity – and not to mention now having my own place- I’ve been able to conceptualize and put together some of my Christmas fantasy designs that are completely fabulous and very leopard-esque. Wondering what these would consist of?

• A faux, white, 1950’s style cellophane Christmas tree. It looks very sexy and Miami-chic.
• A Mrs. Claus Leg’s Avenue costume to wear on Christmas Eve (regardless of the fact that it’s just a sexy Halloween costume for college girls).
• Silver baubles and wreaths a la Michael Scott’s “classy” Christmas party in the latest Christmas edition of The Office.
• Front yard lawn ornaments of reindeer and snowmen bedazzled in cold and silver sequins.
• Pink and gold Christmas lights on the front lawn like the ones I fell in love with at Christmastown in Williamsburg this past weekend.
• Plenty of eggnog, Jaegermeister, and other cinnamon-y cocktails to take you awasailing.There are also several Christmas trends of the now that should definitely be boycotted and downright scare me:
• Those blow-up Christmas displays people put on their front lawns. I love tacky things, but these are really pushing it.
• Those weird caroler statues that are all making their ‘O’ faces. Sorry but no.
• Mistletoes. I’m over it, I’ll make out on my own time and I always end up at a family Christmas party standing underneath one with my dad, brother, or someone TOTALLY non-ideal to be standing underneath a kissing plant with. Ewie.
So put up your white tree and find some hot pink lights. Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean you have to wear red and green. And be sure to avoid the mistletoe at family occasions.

Christmas is a Time for Salvation Army

AKA where I’ll be shopping very soon if my spending habits continue on the route they are headed. Yes, while I love the holidays, my life in DC, a new dress for my office Christmas party, and a trip to the Gansevoort in Miami for NYE has definitely done some extreme damage onto my checking account. And that doesn’t even include the fact that I have yet to buy a single Christmas present for anyone! I love gift giving and surprising my friends and family, but realized that with so many obligations on my end financially, will definitely need to get creative for Xmas this year. And as I’m sure many of you will too, here are my suggestions for gifts that are sexy and won’t force collections to come after you come January:

• For your brother: Sneakers or the full season of a show that the two of you watch together. Boys love new kicks and stupid tv shows. It’s that simple.
• For your sister: I don’t have one but if I did, I’d get her Sephora anything. They have so many great gift packs over the holidays that look like they’d be so expensive but in actuality are actually like $25. Plus, I’ve never not liked a gift before that makes me prettier.
• For your aunt: A bedazzled candle. Something from Crate & Barrel. Stuff like this makes old people go “awww”.
• For your uncle: A cigar. Grilling utensils. Golf things. Something that makes him feel super manly.
• For your grandmother: A donation to a nice charity in her name. Because, really, what does she need?
• For your grandfather: Reading material- if you’re like mine, non-fiction only. Fiction is for crackpots.
• For nieces, nephews, cousins, and the under 13 crew: I honestly don’t know what’s cool this year, but if it was me, would have definitely taken a Furby or Tamagotchi at the time.
• For your BF4L: An inside-joke item. Perhaps a funny framed photo of a boy they’re obsessed with. You can get creative on Shutterfly.com with this.
• For your significant other: Not an item, but an experiencial gift that the two of you have to do together. Because you’re hot and worth it- obvi!
• For your boss: A nice bottle of wine. They’ll need it after dealing with you for the past however long.
• For your dad: A new, flattering piece of clothing that will upgrade his old-school look. You don’t have to go too crazy money wise to do this, either.
• For your mom: Splurge. Disregard the fact that you’re on a budget. Louis Vuitton, Chloe, whatever. She ruined her vagina for you.

I’ll definitely be making the rounds at Tysons Corner and the Georgetown Mall, but can’t wait to see everyone’s faces light up with a new item under the tree for them. Even though I’ll be eating brown rice until my paycheck comes January 1st.

Christmas in Washington

And I’m not referring to that TERRIBLE Joan Baez song that I was recently introduced to. If you’re a Christmas junkie, DC is the perfect city for the holidays, with so many fun/romantical things to do. While I definitely have several things on my agenda, here are some Paint the Town Leopard-esque activities that are completely Grinch-free should you try to be getting into the holiday spirit:


• Hit up the zoo: But wear your sexiest Snow Bunny gear and bring a man, because it won’t be warm. Though I haven’t been in years, the zoo has a great light display that will definitely have you feeling like you’re in the North Pole. Extra points if you hit up the Woodley Park bar scene afterwards.
• Go see the National Christmas Tree!!!: It’s so fun and will really make you feel like you’re in DC. Plus, most of the Smithsonian’s stay open late night during the Christmas season, so you can go do something cultural afterwards.
• Cut down your own tree: Totally not an activity for me, but if you’re interested in being one with Mother Nature for the holidays, try Buck Lodge Farm in Boyds, Maryland, where they actually supply you with the axe and the tools for cutting down your own tree. Again, sounds dangerous for me, but might be a good activity for some.
• See the Light Show at National Harbor: I’ve been and it’s well worth it. Again, if you’re allergic to the cold, stay home, but if you can man up and deal with it, National Harbor looks beautiful lit up for the holidays (the light show goes on every half hour until ten pm each evening). Plus, you can have dinner at Ketchup, which is Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake’s restaurant (OHMYGAWDDD!!).
• Check out indoor snow: At the Gaylord National Resort at National Harbor. I’ve never been, nor do I know of anyone who has, but I heard about it on the radio and it sounds like something out of Dubai. There are ice sculptures, light displays, and tons of other fun things to make you feel Christmas-y. Because it must be pretty amazing to see real, indoor snow.
• Crash an office holiday party: But not mine! Wear your most fanciest holiday ensemble, show up either the Willoughby or JW Marriot on a random Friday night in December, and keep your Blackberry close so that you can Google fast facts about the company while you’re mingling with guests. It’s fun, a good way to meet people, and a way to get that Wedding Crashers-esque adrenaline rush in the process.
• Shop in Georgetown: And then get your picture taken with Santa in the Georgetown Mall. Be careful, though, and give yourself a budget ahead of time, or else you’ll be like me and empty your entire debit account.
• Adopt a family: Because the amount of money you’d spend to make an entire family’s Christmas special is the same that you’d spend on a night going to Josephine’s, anyway, so it’s only right. Check out www.jssa.org for information on how you can help make a family in need feel special during this holiday season. Because you’ve always got to give back.

So there you have it! Whether you’re dabbling in Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, or some other holiday this month, be sure to do it in Washington. Just don’t play that dreadful Joan Baez song in the process.

I Have Major Issues with the Jolie-Pitt's

Hot. International. World-renowned. Big Lips. Adoption. While these are definitely some of the things that come to mind when thinking about the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt brood, I’ve come to terms with the fact recently that I have MAJOR issues with this all-star Hollywood family. And while I don’t take away from the fact that Santa Angelina travels and acts philanthropic in some of the most terrible places in the world, aside from serving as a role model in this regard, does very little in the child-rearing department. Her vagina has had little stress in ratio to the amount of children she’s had total, and while I do commend the family again for glamorizing adoption, have decided that the Jolie-Pitt family do some things in their family that are downright weird.


• They all sleep in a bed together- I’m definitely guilty of passing out next to my mom on a few occasions, but my dad and brother in the mix too?! Hell no! This reminds me of an episode of Sister Wives gone bad. Or, worse still, Michael Jackson’s Neverland.

• They dress Shiloh like a boy- Granted, if I had the genetic makeup of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, you could put poop on my face and I’d still look sexy. But this girl is going to have a complex! The butch hair cut? The cargo jeans? The fake weapon satchels? All that on a five year old, and she’s going to have some major confusion issues.

• They let their kids curse- Or so People Magazine says (my valuable sources). Such a WASPy move right here; if I ever said eff in my mother’s house, even at my current age, there would be Hell to pay. I understand they’re trying to cultivate some sort of “New Age” home life, but you still need to instill some kind of rules!

• They have six kids and aren’t married- I know I’m going to get tons of crap for this one. And I understand, things happen in life, and a child isn’t always a prerequisite for a marriage. But my personal views on having kids out of wedlock aside, you’d think once you had SIX kids together you’d consider tying the knot. What kind of selfish crap is that? Why cultivate this huge family if you can’t commit to each other? Whatevs.

• Angelina looks ana half the time- Which is going to cause her daughters to have weight complexes their entire lives. She needs a serious Happy Meal or else she’s going to instill an idea that it’s okay to be ninety five pounds.

• They don’t keep their kids in the same school for more than three months- I’m twenty-three, and hating being the new kid now! Some of my childhood friends continue to be my closest. Unless you’re in the military, a missionary, or in the circus, than there’s no reason to schlep your family from place to place like this.

• They let their eldest son play with real swords- Also says People Magazine. So who really knows. But if it’s true, that’s messed up.

If I were their keeper, Pax would take a bath, Shiloh would be in a dress, and I’d make sure that they were in an elementary school consistently for five years. Until then, continue being weirdos, Brad and Angela- but at least you’re doing good deeds in the meantime.

Holy Cow, Taylor Swift!

And we're not talking about the ones one your farm in the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania! No, Taylor's clearly been reading my blog, and in taking everything I've said about her under consideration (or in my dreams, at least), has morphed into a totally bangin' celeb! It's so funny what a little bit of bangs, lip plumper, fake eyelashes, and cleavage can do to totally metamorphosize one's look. This just goes to show you how anyone can be a bombshell, but you must first admit that you have the fashion emergency. And while I'm sure Playboy, Maxim, and whatever other magazines try to get girls to pose in their underwear will definitely be putting out countless offers after seeing her in these sex kitten smokey eyes, I'm sure Taylor will continue to maintain her squeeky-clean image to reinforce her love for her teeny bopper fan base (vom). But I'm so proud of her that she's put the effort in, to say the least. Though her flats, curls, and pearl earrings have irritated me for the past two years that she's been in the public eye, that 'Romeo & Juliet' song just sounds so much better now.

Providence isn't just for guidos anymore, people

And I can testify for that firsthand. After spending a night treading away from my usual Providence haunts such as Karta Bar, Monet, and just about anything on Federal Hill, I tried some new spots with some of my closest girlfriends tonight and noticed that all of the Pauly D lookalikes where nowhere to be found in any of them. It was truly refreshing to be in an atmosphere in which my leopard print pumps were an oddity and my sinuses weren't being clogged with expired Aqua Di Gio on just about every man in sight. But in reflecting further, the light bulb went off and I came to a truly astonishing revelation- not everything in Rhode Island epitomizes the guido lifestyle. Sure, things like Capriccio's, Mineral Spring Ave, and pretty much everything in Johnston will be characterized by the gelled back style, so to speak, but so many things to do in Rhode Island just don't look like they're a carbon copy of Jersey Shore anymore. Looking to expand your cultural lens next time you're in the Ocean State and not really in the mood to fist pump? Here are some nice rarities when you feel like mixing things up a little bit:

• The Black Pearl- This delicious eatery off of Thames Street in Newport has some of the best clamcakes in all of RI. Plus, its preppiness and old school style is the epitome of Newport's waspy culture.
• Feminine Fancies- Owned by a former high school classmate's mother, you won't be finding Ed Hardy or Sky in this adorable Barrington boutique. While it's not entirely my style, I've definitely found something, and there's great designer sales and a little something for everything.
• The Avery- Make sure you have your skinny jeans and high tops ready to go, because this Providence bar will have you feeling like a hipster in no time! If you fist pump here, rest assured that you WILL get dirty looks. 
• The Hope Club- This club for old men on the East Side that my grandfather use to be a part of during his life. I don't really understand it but know that it's totally not guido and something along the lines of The University Club. Great networking opportunities, if you will.
• The Wheeler School- Not looking to raise your kids in an atmosphere that doesn't have pimped out cars, kids with blow outs, or crazy school dances? Send them to The Wheeler School, a prep school in the heart of Providence that is complete with Lacoste and Volvos galore (and completely the opposite of everything I stand for as a human being).
• Oakland Beach- Because not everything on the non-guido list had to be classy. This Warwick beach by all means is not, but is in the heart of Warwick and definitely not comparable to Chair 2 (aka The Johnston Chair) at Scarbarough Beach.
• Cuban Revolution- Because what the frig kind of food to they honestly serve there?

There you have it. And while this list definitely took a little bit of extra effort, it definitely goes to show you that Providence really isn't just for guidos anymore. So whether you're a prepster, hipster, or skater, come together in the melting pot of a city that Providence is- and know that just because you don't have a tanning membership, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll forever be ostracized.