If DC was the new Hollywood...

Legally Blonde 2. Evan, Almighty. And, of course, who could forget Mars Attacks? With the Capitol playing the scenery to more and more movies each year, the city becomes trickled with more and more celebrities, reality shows, and people thinking they're more important then they actually are (and do we really need more of those?). Though we have no Kitson Boutique or Lauren Conrad, no In & Out Burger or Polo Louge, it's sometimes interesting to think where all of the celebutards gracing us with their facelifts and illegitimate children on the covers of US Weekly and People every week would congregate. If we had paparazzo instead of Secret Service officers, oxygen bars instead of Five Guys, and Matthew McConaughey instead of Barack Obama being the man of the hour, just where would we end up? Well, screw you, El Lay; this is what all of Hollywood's finest would be doing if they were forced to the land of political bonanza:

• Heidi Montag: She wouldn't be able to get over all of the uglies in the city, and wouldn't understand why they just didn't put a second mortgage on their home to get a facelift, eye injection, and eight other procedures. She'd apply to be a Madison but after getting rejected three years in a row would end up getting another ten procedures.
• Ryan Seacrest: He'd live in a quaint little townhouse in Dupont Circle and would enjoy Disco Brunch at Cobalt with his maltipoo every Sunday. He'd also be confused when people would love at him funny about this.
• Paris Hilton: Would try to make the girls of Glitterazzi her new BFFs, but after realizing that their vocabulary exceeds that of a sixth grader's, would find a boyfriend on the roof top at the W and make him take her to Minibar every weekend. Which is a total waste, because she would end up throwing up all of her meal to stay skinny, anyway. That's hot.
• Kim Kardashian: Would attempt to open up a third Dash boutique on M street, but after Washingtonians seeing was a tacky disaster the merchandise was, would be forced to shut down. But thank goodness for Reggie Bush; Because of her boo, and his pro-athlete status, Kim would get access to the Park at 14th every night.
• Gretchen Rossi: Would sit at the bar of Cafe Milano every Thursday night, not because the clientele was made up of all rich, powerful seventy-plus year old men, but because she just really liked the chicken piccata. 
• Lindsay Lohan: Would be best friends with every single club promoter in DC. She'd start at L2, spent the majority of her nights at Lima, and end up at after hours at Funxion. She would be very cranky with the 3 am closing times, and would eventually end up Bolt Bussing-it to NYC every weekend. Yes, Bolt Bussing. Home girl hasn't made a decent movie in years.
• Pauly D: Would rage at Josephine every night (the closest thing to a guido crowd in DC, thank God for GW boys), work out at Vida every day, and would live right over the bridge in Rosslyn. He'd also read Paint the Town Leopard every day, in hopes of one day being able to meet his future wife...
• Nicole Richie: Would join the Human Rights Campaign and be in every damn protest the city had that it would become her full time job, just because she wanted to get use out of all of her Free People-esque ensembles. Her across the forehead headbands would give her chronic migraines and eventually force her to stop.
• Lady Gaga: Would be worshipped by all of Dupont Circle and seen as some kind of prophet in that area. She'd get her hair cut at Immortal Beloved and buy tons of costume pieces from Annie's Cream Cheese. And, obviously, she'd spend every night raging at Town. She's a free bitch, baby.
• Brangelina: Would enroll their entire UN brood at the Montessori School in Georgetown followed by classes at the Alliance Francais after school. But other than that, not much would change, seeing how they're trying to save the world all the time and coming here; Angie would still work for her initiatives, a child from Zimbabwe would soon be adopted, and they would continue dressing Shiloh like a boy (poor thing).

Wonder what would happen if DC made its way to Hollywood? I don't know how good Rush Limbaugh would do fist pumping at Les Deux...