And you thought Apple was Weird

Have you ever been bored at work or school and have started practicing your autograph, like, twenty five times in perfect cursive in a row? Maybe I'm just crazy, but I've been known to do this, but in a much stranger way; instead of just writing my autograph, I write the four names I've preselected for the two boys and two girls I'll have one day. Don't get any ideas- I'm not looking to be pregnant for at least another ten years, but when the time comes, there will be a great deal of Baby Juicy Couture sweat suits and mini Tims on my baby shower registry. With the hopes that no one will be stealing these gems, the four majestic names (which will be given regardless of the father's last name OR personal taste) are the following:

1. Amalia Catherine Love
2. Luther Winston Time
3. Felicity Anastasia Joie
4. Oliver Samuel Truth

When I tell people this, I usually get mocked at by others for my so-called "hippie dippie" choices and also for the fact that my sons will supposedly get beat up. But being as confident I am to tell people that leopard is my favorite color, I keep in mind the fact that these names ferosh, and more importantly, that celebrities have given their kids names ten times for rancid by the standard of the status-quo. Even though I would do whatever I wanted if I was famous (and currently am not famous and pretty much do whatever I want anyway), these celebs need to realize that their fame doesn't ensure a slot in Hollywood for their children (Rumer Willis, anyone? A for Effort, I guess). And because of that, they need to cool it with the jackass names, or else their kids will have issues in many aspects in life, from getting a job to getting a boo and getting everything in between. While some of them are out of the ordinary but still work out okay as being quirky and cute (think Heidi Klum's Johan, Gwen Stefani's Kingston, and Salma Hayek's Valentina), others are absolutely offensive and will land these poor kids with a complex by the time they reach fifth grade. Need a reminder? The following will make Luther Winston Time sound like John Smith the Pilgrim:

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt: Cute I guess, and definitely a hot baby, but reminds me of this book I read about a dog in elementary school. And no girl wants people to think of a dog when they hear her name.
2. Sparrow Madden: WHY! I understand Joel Madden is supposed to be an emo rocker, and Nicole Richie likes to pretend she's some tree-hugger now, but the name Sparrow makes any guy seem inadequate. 
3. Kal-El Cage: Nicholas Cage's son, which is already problematic seeing as the child has a fifty-percent chance of resembling the not-so-studly actor. Plus, he's named after a super hero something, which is even sadder seeing how Nicholas Cage still has a fixation with comic books.
4. Apple Martin: I mean, at least it's a cute fruit. Imagine if she was Watermelon Martin; then she'd have no chance with anyone in life.
5. Ocean Whitiker: As the son of Forest Whitiker, it's okay to have a unique name. Like Forest; earthy, masculine, and mysterious. Ocean? Lucid, limp, and free-flowing. No bueno.
6. Blanket Jackson: Because any name that's not even appropriate to name your hamster should definitely not be given to your child.
7. Audio Science Sossaman: Not that anyone even knows who the actress Shannon Sossaman is. That's probably why she had to name her kid something that sounds like it's out of the Matrix.
8. Jermajesty Jackson: The crazies don't stop with Michael in the Jackson family; Jermaine puts his son before him, referring to his new born as Jermajesty... ewww.
9. Peaches Geldof: Why all the fruit with these names?
10. Phoenix Chi: Because Little Spice would have been better for Mel B's son- or is it a daughter? With a name like Phoenix Chi the only thing that I can identify is that the kid is going to by the head chief of their tribe one day. 
11. Jagger Lee: Come on, Pamela! I know you want your kid to be a sexpot badass, but your kid can't sound like a crackhead from the second he's out of your womb.
12. Zen Feldman: You're just trying wayyy too hard. Please, being "zen" or whatever was out over ten years ago. 
13. Bluebell Madonna Halliwell: Clearly all of the Spice Girls were high at the hospital. Ginger did even worse than scary, naming her child after a flower, but at least she gave homage to the Blessed Mother with the child's middle name. How nice.
14. Fuschia Tomelty: Sting's baby girl, and you know what color her room will be.
15. Diezel Ki Braxton: I think I know five dogs named Diesel, and if Toni Braxton thought this name might be a little too common, decided to throw a 'z' in there just to mix things up a little bit.

So there you have it. Next time you and your baby daddy think that it would be cool to name your kid after a fruit or your neighbor's dog, think again. But if you decide to be daring enough to name your kid something ridiculous, at least you know that there's plenty of fabulous and rich people with names that are even crazier.