Make Your Boobs the Bomb

Let's be honest, ladies; your twins are one of your best accessories, big or small, that can make or break an outfit on a single night. Whether they're barely there or obscenely injected with silicone, it should always be on your fashion agenda to make those muffins look as perfect as possible no matter what you're wearing. Why have I decided to go on this kick for the 100th post on Paint the Town Leopard, you should ask? According to world renowned plastic surgeon Tracy Pfeifer, an estimated eighty percent of women are wearing the wrong bra size. And whether that statistic is causing the cut off of all of your circulation in result of a huge uni-boob (you know what I'm talking about), or causing your little mounds to get lost in the shuffle, it doesn't take dishing out five grand to make your boobs look the best that they can be. After years of living with a chest of varying sizes (let's be honest), here are my tips, tricks, and best practice (shout out to my colleagues) for every chick to look phenom:

• Victoria's Secret is NOT the Rosetta Stone of Lingerie: Those people think they're experts, measured me as two sizes too big, and always try to sell me that damn Angel credit card. Granted, they have some excellent styles that enhance, lift, and contour like crazy, but they're not the end all be all. And, I'm sorry, but if you think the Bio Fit is going to make you look like Adrianna Lima, then you've got another thing coming. 
• Wear a bra to sleep: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know it's super uncomfortable, but I have an aunt who's well into her eighties, slept in a bra her whole life, and they're not down to her belly button. TMI, I'm sure, but still. 
• Don't bargain shop for a cosmetic surgeon: If you're ready to take this dramatic step, now is NOT the time to be looking for a deal. I've had way too many friends who have bragged about how cheap their breast implants cost, and guess what? They were severely ripped off, and are now stuck with lopsided melons in their chest for the rest of their lives. Save up and do it correctly (Dr. Sheilah Lynch is DC's best in this department).
• Stop going braless: You're not Kate Moss or Keira Knightly. Even if you're a size 0 and a double A chest, nipples do exist, and you need something. Go for breast petals, or if you need more of a lift, try my favorite product, the Nu Bra. It sticks to your chest while being backless and strapless, giving you a lift when your sexy shirt prevents a bra from doing so. 
• Avoid super lacey unless it's your honeymoon: Even though you feel like you're Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, these bras usually have awful support and when worn underneath t-shirts, make it look like you've stuffed yourself with toilet paper. Get a nice, linen cup and end it at that. 
• HAND WASH!: The moment you stuff your bras in the wash, you can kiss the consistent wiring away. If you want to continue that perky uplift your favorite pasties give you with every wear, take the extra time and wash them in the sink (or, use the handwash button on your washing machine like I do). Too self-important and busy? Buy a BraBall; it conserves the shape of your bra as you wash. 
• Just because you're a 36 doesn't mean you're bulbous: I know so many girls who are suffocating in 34s because they're afraid to move up to a 36 with the subconscious impression that they'll be deemed fat. GET OVER IT! Wear something that fits you properly or then you'll really look chubby with your back fat that your tight bra gives you.
• Don't show them all the time: Leave a little to the imagination. I gave cleavage up for Lent and you couldn't imagine how many fabulous outfits I pulled together that were still sexy and didn't include any boobage. Yes, this is coming from me, but still; rotate when you wanna show your cleav. 

Sorry, boys, but with summer on the way and clothes beginning to have less fabric, I needed to reveal my tips for having the perfect chest. Just don't get all Heidi Montag on me; it's quality, not quantity.