OMG Gaga's in DC Tonight!!!

So it’s time to get your spandex and fake eyelashes in order. Yes, tonight, for one night only, Chinatown will become the new Dupont Circle, as the Verizon Center is flooded with the city’s hottest gays, freaks, and Gaga-obsessed fans (i.e. me). Coming back after her show in the fall was such a success, Gaga will sing her usual fare, but hopefully, incorporate some of the latest tracks from the much-anticipated “Born This Way” album. And, as an opportunity to wear the tackiest clothing items I own and not be judged because of it, you can be sure that I’ll be layed in hair extensions, bronzer, and anything metallic/leather. With pregaming locations consisting of Oya, Zengo, and Jaleo (The Green Turtle is just not cutting it on the Fabulous Scale for an event like this), little monsters all over the Capital will have their paws up in the air (and probably lots of Patron shots in their bodies simultaneously). Will she come out of an egg? Wear a Kermit the Frog dress? Layer her body with meats? The possibilities are endless, but one thing is for sure; sorry, club promoters, but there is NOWHERE hot in DC tonight aside from The Monster Ball.

Real Housewives of Rhode Island?!

Not exactly. But, apparently, Theresa Giudice of the New Jersey season made a special guest appearence at Providence's very own Pearl Nightclub last night. And, while I am visiting this weekend, just didn't pack enough Ed Hardy or sparkly accessories to accomodate the classy Rhode Island club scene. However, I did hear through the rumor mill that Theresa was adorabley dressed (by standards of a Northern demographic), friendly, and even enjoyed a delicious dinner at Pearl before hand, compliments of David Bolton and the rest of his club promoting crew (apparently, my former high school classmate runs the Rhode Island nightlife scene now... if you're ever in Providence, he is your go-to guy). But with the debut of the Miami franchise approaching this week, I had to ask myself... What would the Real Housewives of Rhode Island be like?!

• Their last names would all be Italian, let's be real here. Even if you are Italian by heritige, if you didn't marry one, don't even consider applying to the state that paints the yellow lines on the road green, red, and white (fact, if you've ever dined on Federal Hill before).
• Their sprawling homes would exist in Alpine Estates or on some new development on the Johnston-Scituate line. Anything south of Cranston? You can just fuggedaboutit.
• Dramatic dinner parties would ensue at The Ten, Cappriccio, and Pane Vino, equipped with full on table flipping. When the weather is warm, eff the Dunes Club; these women are Bonnet Shores babes all day.
• No need for Maserattis or Bentleys in The Real Housewives of Rhode Island- if you drive a used Lexus I.S., you're going to be envied by every woman on Mineral Spring Ave.
• Like many of the other seasons, hair extensions and Botox treatments will be a requirement for all participants, alongside an ample amount of spray tanning. We don't play around in the 401 when it comes to looking our best, ladies.
• The season will conclude with one of the housewives and her husband trying to crash one of Mayor Cicilline's parties on the East Side. But they won't make it through the front door...
• Every woman will be required to use a bedazzled Nextel phone, even though there is literally not a single other state in the country that still thinks its cool to use this walkie-talkie inspired device.
• There will be Sky dresses, animal prints, and flashy handbags galore in this season.
• In one episode, a housewife will make her husband take her to Anthony's Jewelers and buy her the biggest diamond in stock. Because "when you think Anthony's you think diamonds, when you think diamonds you think Anthony's".
• Each housewife will at some point in the season march into La Salle Academy and get in a fight with one of their children's teachers, because, why the frig did my kid fail the midterm?!?!?!

With all of the candor and pizazz in Rhode Island, I seriously wonder why Bravo has yet to pick up a season.

This is Not 'The Newsies': Cool it w/ the Bikes, DC!

Okay, so I'm a total hypocrite... Biking in Hermosa Beach, CA
with Cassie and Vanessa this past Labor Day weekend.
Granted, I had to borrow proper footwear from Vanessa to
make it work...

One of my biggest pet peeves are bike riders in the city. I love Planet Earth, and understand the whole concept of the Carbon Foot Print or what-have-you, but am completely OVER the trend of trading in your car to ride a bike. Now- this isn't a personal attack; One of my friends, Wes Rikkers, rides a bike to work every day and he's fabulous. But after nearly killing a biker at an intersection last week in Columbia Heights (obviously), I am COMPLETELY done with this trend and think that there's a place and a time for bike riding (i.e. a bike path, Spin class, etc). Again, I see the initiative that City Bikes and the other bike services are trying to take in the whole effort of thinking green, but I've put a list together of why I, personally, hate the idea of bikes (unless it's on the strip in Hermosa Beach with my friends in the late fall):

• You can never wear cute outfits when you're riding them. And if you do, someone will probably end up seeing your woo-hoo, which is never good.
• While they definitely account for good exercise, too much bike riding makes you have huge thighs. And who honestly wants that? Take it from someone who doesn't need anymore thigh on them and has had this happen to them at one of many weight loss attempts.
• Men who ride bikes are usually wearing man bags, satchels, or something else ugly that makes them totally un-Masculine and definitely puts them in the category of trying too hard to be artsy-chic.
• If you're going too fast and you fall, you could have brain damage or death. (Because who honestly wears a helmet, sadly enough?)
• If you ride a bike to work in the morning, you could risk riding home in the rain. Which could totally lead to an unintentional Wet T-Shirt Contest, and then what?
• The bell sounds stoopid.
• You are a nuissance to every single person in a car trying to deal with rush hour traffic in the middle of Dupont Circle. Not only are we trying to beat the yellow lights, but you weaving in and out of traffic doesn't help the fact that we're also trying not to be the causes of your death.
• They get stolen very easily. Especially if you live in one of the "up-and-coming" sections of DC like I do.
• They're expensive. So sue me; I'd rather spend $300 on Cusp to make me look prettier than on a form of tranportation that's going to make me look uglier.
• You cannot ride them in any decent footwear. And if you're 5'3 and 140 lbs like me, you're not going to be seen in sneakers/flats outside of Vida Fitness.

You get the picture. Bikes are just so friggin' AUS according to Paint the Town Leopard.

Love is in the Air in DC... Feb. 14th Only...

I'm not a lover or a hater of Valentine's Day; But I do love candy hearts, anything pink, and being romantical. Regardless of whether or not your single, taken, wifed up, engaged, swinging, hating the opposite sex, or have the "it's complicated" status up on your Facebook page, take advantage this Monday to do something fun in Obama's town (I wonder what him and Michelle are doing? Nanny for the children Monday evening, perhaps?):

• Check out the Georgetown Love Potion event and get bamboozled with your girls or your boo. For the 14th only, Georgetown bars are creating their very own drink specials based on love-oriented themes that are sure to capture your sweet tooth, get you in a whimsical mood, and leave you with a delicious hangover work work on Tuesday morning.
• Go to the ''Crimes of Passion'' event at the National Museum of Crime and Punishment. Though I'm not into the idea of getting handcuffed through a museum with my significant other, enjoy one of my favorite museums in DC. For $30 per couple, enjoy some pretty sick exhibits, a complimentary cocktail and the end, and souvenir handcuffs that you get to take home with you. Bow-chicka-wow-wowww is right...
• Go to ''Woo at the Zoo'' a free event at the National Zoo where you get to learn about animal mating and their reproductive habits in a pretty funny venue. Gorilla sex? This sounds like an LMAO-type event to me.
• Go on the DC Chocolate Tour. Every Valentine's Day, those weird double-decker tour busses actually offer tours at every chocolate hot spot in the city. I didn't realize DC was the new Switzerland, but it could still be kind of cute I guess.
• Do something charitable and take part in the Cupid Undie Run on February 12th around the Capitol Building, where participants run around the Capitol in Valentines-themed undies to support the Children's Tumor Foundation. Totally funny AND you're helping out your community.
• Take part in the Nudie Scavenger Hunt, sponsored by the National Portrait Gallery on Valentine's Day. For $22, search DC high and low for different displays of nude artwork, with prizes awarded at the end of the day. I would never pay money to do a Scavenger Hunt, but who knows, it could wind up really funny.

Don't be a loser and anti-Valentine's Day. Sure, it grosses me out when people PDA and are super over-the-top about it, but be festive for once and enjoy one of these fun happenings in the city.

Ten Things I Hate About George

It kills me to use my late grandfather's name in vein, but he would be on the same page with me in describing DCs despicable yuppie hot spot. Listen, I don't always need to be fabulous; I've legitimately had some great nights from Lima to Lounge of Three on U Street. But this "members-only" (yea, right. It's DC- nothing's members only) bar, secretly tucked in the heart of Georgetown so that local commoners can't discover its whereabouts (it's behind Cafe Milano), makes me cringe so badly that my leopard print turns zebra. Cleverly named "George" because of its location (because those who frequent the bar are just too cool to say the 'town' in 'Georgetown'), this place is basically what would happen if Smith Point decided to star in an Abercrombie & Fitch commercial. And maybe I'm biased- preppy is not exactly my number one favorite look. But it's time to officially out George so that guidos, Euros, and clubbers alike can voice off about this monstrosity. Here are my top ten reasons- because, trust me, there's more- as to why George is against everything that I stand for:

1. The boys who go there where sweaters over their shoulders. Not that I go out looking for a man- I'm good :)- but, I don't even want to be the PRESENCE of men who rock this terrible faux pas. Unless you are on a golf course in Connecticut on a brisk afternoon, ITS AWFUL. And even then it's still not okay.
2. The floors are too sticky. They took part of the red sole off of my friend's Christian Louboutains the one time I was there. Plus, why am I going to pay $12 for a drink in a place where the floor is not properly scrubbed?
3. I don't want/need to hear Journey every other song. This is not the Soprano's finale, nor is it Muttley's (circa. Adam's Morgan 2005). 
4. Why do they have moose heads decorating the walls? Are we in an Abercrombie Kids store? A prep school dining hall? Hoggwarts? Someone please bring me my lacrosse stick, pronto. 
5. It takes thirty minutes to get a drink. As a former hospitality industry employee, I'm a stickler for this stuff. They understaff with a bar that doesn't have a crew fast enough to get to all of the patrons in a timely manner. And, my drink was not even properly stirred. Ewie. 
6. If you have Jungle Fever, this is NOT the place for you. Put it this way- if you're Welsh, you should consider yourself exotic in comparison to the demographic which frequents George. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just saying. 
7. The Official Preppy Handbook has ranked George as one of the top ten preppiest venues in the country. Why would I ever want to be in a facility that encourages pearls, Vera Bradley, and (omg I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth) LILY PULITZER?!
8. Some National's player threw his birthday here and it made a top story here. Exactly. 
9. People will give you dirty looks here if you pop lock and drop it, booty shake, or dougee. When I go to a bar, I don't want to dance like a fifty-somehting at a wedding, sorry. 
10. There is no cover from the bouncers to the entrance. If it is raining, your Kertain treatment will be forever ruined, so bring your umbrella or rain bonnet (exactly).

I only write all of this in good fun, as I find it humorous that a place in DC is the epitome of everything that I don't care for stylistically. I hope that no George of DC employees take this to heart, as they've done a great job serving the yuppy thirty-somethings of DC in the best of ways. Just please accommodate me and play Lady Gaga the next time I come- the DJ refused to last time. Thanks. 

Ooh Laa Laa, Gwen!

There's nothing that Gwen Stefani could do that I wouldn't like. From her No Doubt bindi-wearing days to her punk rocker-pink hair cut to her Alice and Wonderland meets hip hop charm solo career, Gwen has always unleashed each one of her products with the class and creativity of an old school Hollywood mogul. And aside from the fact that I'm probably one of her biggest fans in the world (granted I don't have tattoos of her or anything over the top...these are still celebrities at the end of the day, let's be honest), Gwen Stefani's new gig as the face of L'Oreal has one of the hottest commercials that bleeds glamour unlike any other. Wearing the line's new Infallible Rouge lip color, Gwen doesn't have to do too much to revamp her regular look, with red lips being one of the iconic parts of her own personal style. But, I must say, it's refreshing to see a female celebrity in one of these ads who doesn't have to promote the product by doing one of those stupid fake laughs and making an O-face at the camera; shot at the Hollywood sign in- duh- California, Gwen struts her stuff with the very originality that make her self-designed L.A.M.B. shoes so distinct. To all the haters who think Gwen is outdated and hasn't changed her look in over a decade? Pul-leaz- They're just jealous that they don't look as timeless as her (not to mention in probably the best shape of any celebrity out there).

Check out why red lips are definitely still sexy in Gwen Stefani's very own L'Oreal commercial by clicking here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVWLL7qoZr4