Single Ladies: The Mean, The Meek, and The Man-Eating

"Are you happy about that?" most people ask who haven't talked to me in a while, after finding out that I'm not in a relationship nor have any potential suitors for the time being. And while they're normally astonished about my apathy on the situation, I've truly accepted singledom and haven't really thought twice about it (of course, forgetting those occasions where I've had to assemble a piece of Ikea furniture or needed someone to stay in with me on a Friday night, eat Five Guys, and watch The Office). Frankly, I'm so fed up with others seeing those as being single as having some kind of issue, or it being an issue altogether. I'm over the countless conversations with others who are trying to figure out who "the latest guy is". Well, guess what? The latest guy is my Washington Sports Club membership, the Patron Anejo sitting on the banquet in my kitchen, and the blog I write on occasionally that I think people actually read.
I'm not saying I'm anti-boyfriend; I would turn over every piece of David Yurman jewelry I owned if Christiano Renaldo came knocking at my door, or if someone very special decided to move to DC (hint hint). But in my current situation, I tell people I'm not looking, I'm just living. Crazy situations present themselves when you least expect them to and you don't know the future. For all I know, I could be a Bethesda housewife next year at this time, making cookies, getting Botox facials, and taking care of a bulbous husband (actually, I'd rather die). But I do commend myself in the regard that I do NOT fall into the category of just about every other single girl on the planet. And, if you do, now is the time to recognize and start making some lifestyle changing. Just thank the Leopard:

• The Mean Single Girl: She hates on everyone's boyfriend and fiance and picks on them for being too ugly, poor, or fat. Phrases like "you're obsessed with him" or "get a room" come out of her mouth frequently. She's so bitter that she's alone that she tries to prey on happy couples, making content girls rethink their relationships and start stupid fights with their boyfriends that the Mean Single Girl fueled. Aside from making good couples feel bad about themselves and having a permanent stink eye, she thinks every guy is Tiger Woods and Scott Disick, and gets way too excited when 'Single Ladies' starts playing in the club. 
• The Meek Single Girl: She's so annoying and purposely tries to make other people feel bad for her that she doesn't have a boyfriend. She always complains about being a third, fifth, or whatever wheel and looks like she's going to break into tears at any moment when she's hanging out with a group of friends and there just happens to be a couple present. She'll leave nights out early and alone just to prove a point, and probably goes home, binge eats, and watches The Notebook (sorry, girl, but that's why they call it a movie). You know those weird single people who go to a wedding alone when everyone else is bringing a date just to prove a point? Ugh, that's her. 
• The Man-Eating Single Girl: And I don't mean that as a compliment. I'm talking about the girl who throws her arms up after her third kamikaze shot and yells "WHOOO-HOOOO! I'M SINGLE!" She has a strand of lovers that she's damn proud of, and finds some sort of feminist ideal in what she's doing, when really, the only think she's going to be finding is some chlamydia in her underpants. She doesn't understand the point of having a boyfriend when she can hook up with all of Adams Morgan in the mean time and is constantly going on "trips" with girlfriends- AKA explwhoreations. 

Okay, so I'm sure you know a girl that matches each one of these descriptions. And, I'm sure, at one time or another, you may have been mean, meek, or man-eating. But anytime you're sad, and about to chant the typical, "ohmygawd everyone has a boyfriend but me" when you have no one to take you to CityZen for dinner, buck up, take yourself, and remember; there's nothing wrong with being single. And there's nothing wrong with being taken. I think everyone just needs to stop thinking, characterizing, and over-analyzing, and do what makes you happy. Whether you're engaged and underage or middle-aged and single, cheers to you.