Nothing beats the Fourth of July in Rhode Island. In fact, very little locations beat out Rhode Island for holidays in general. But, being the quirky Ocean State of hair gel and Del’s Lemonade that is, my Fourth (or Fawth, for the accurate regional dialect) was filled with jollies that have continued making me laugh days later. From the Ed Hardy bikinis to more belly button rings than I could count, you KNOW you’re in RI for the Fawth when:
• You see a multitude of red, white, and blue diamond-embellished belly shirts. Operative word here being “belly”. Not the best look.
• The Block Island ferry is sold out three weeks in advance, and when you call to make a reservation, the woman belittling you on the other end for not planning ahead cannot even speak in full sentences.
• Providence is a ghost town. Everyone jets to the beach (or drives, rather. This is Rhode Island) with their Nana, Papa, Auntie, and whoever else, sits underneath D-I-Y tents and eats until their midriffs are exposed.
• You don’t stop hearing “HAPPY FAWTHHHH” until probably the 7th.
• People won’t even drive near East Bay for the fear of hitting the Bristol Parade traffic, even though I drove there while the parade was going on and got there in good time (“ohmigawd I’m not goin nea thea today!!”).
• Beach food consists of calzones, pizza, and canioles (I’m not joking, there’s a sign that has these three items labeled under “beach food” on Ocean Road).
• You go to Scarbarough Beach, if you dare, but still will NOT even be seen walking in Chair 3 territory if you’re not from Johnston (aka, the Johnston Chair).
• Scarbarough Beach smells like CVS-brand cologne.
• Everyone who IS in northern Rhode Island hits up Knotty Pahkkk (I love you, North Providence), with a meal at Michael’s Papardelle afterward in the Smith Street plaza (they actually have a great chicken marsala).
• Narragansett Beach is literally a cesspool, and the parking lots become full by 9:30 a.m. (including the one in the woods across the street that makes me feel like I’m Jesus of Nazareth walking through the desert when I have to park there and walk). But that doesn’t stop Rhode Islanders, who practically park in Bonnet just so they can be seen at Town Beach.
• People camp out at 1 a.m. just to get a good spot for the Bristol Parade the next day (even if they’re in eighty; I’m serious, there was one of the news).
Although my Fawth was relaxing and spent with friends at Bonnet Shores, I’m sure Block Island was a rager. Plus, I went to the Monet Lounge Fourth of July bash on Thursday night, and really, what’s more Rhode Island?
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