This is Not 'The Newsies': Cool it w/ the Bikes, DC!

Okay, so I'm a total hypocrite... Biking in Hermosa Beach, CA
with Cassie and Vanessa this past Labor Day weekend.
Granted, I had to borrow proper footwear from Vanessa to
make it work...

One of my biggest pet peeves are bike riders in the city. I love Planet Earth, and understand the whole concept of the Carbon Foot Print or what-have-you, but am completely OVER the trend of trading in your car to ride a bike. Now- this isn't a personal attack; One of my friends, Wes Rikkers, rides a bike to work every day and he's fabulous. But after nearly killing a biker at an intersection last week in Columbia Heights (obviously), I am COMPLETELY done with this trend and think that there's a place and a time for bike riding (i.e. a bike path, Spin class, etc). Again, I see the initiative that City Bikes and the other bike services are trying to take in the whole effort of thinking green, but I've put a list together of why I, personally, hate the idea of bikes (unless it's on the strip in Hermosa Beach with my friends in the late fall):

• You can never wear cute outfits when you're riding them. And if you do, someone will probably end up seeing your woo-hoo, which is never good.
• While they definitely account for good exercise, too much bike riding makes you have huge thighs. And who honestly wants that? Take it from someone who doesn't need anymore thigh on them and has had this happen to them at one of many weight loss attempts.
• Men who ride bikes are usually wearing man bags, satchels, or something else ugly that makes them totally un-Masculine and definitely puts them in the category of trying too hard to be artsy-chic.
• If you're going too fast and you fall, you could have brain damage or death. (Because who honestly wears a helmet, sadly enough?)
• If you ride a bike to work in the morning, you could risk riding home in the rain. Which could totally lead to an unintentional Wet T-Shirt Contest, and then what?
• The bell sounds stoopid.
• You are a nuissance to every single person in a car trying to deal with rush hour traffic in the middle of Dupont Circle. Not only are we trying to beat the yellow lights, but you weaving in and out of traffic doesn't help the fact that we're also trying not to be the causes of your death.
• They get stolen very easily. Especially if you live in one of the "up-and-coming" sections of DC like I do.
• They're expensive. So sue me; I'd rather spend $300 on Cusp to make me look prettier than on a form of tranportation that's going to make me look uglier.
• You cannot ride them in any decent footwear. And if you're 5'3 and 140 lbs like me, you're not going to be seen in sneakers/flats outside of Vida Fitness.

You get the picture. Bikes are just so friggin' AUS according to Paint the Town Leopard.