Not So Cosmopolitan

Let me get one thing straight before I even start my rant; I'm not anti-guys, I'm not anti-sex, and I'm completely proud to be a woman and celebrate femininity every day (hello, push-up bras?). But despite being a member and advocate of so many staples of women hood, from being a Vice President in my college sorority to supporting breast cancer awareness with my mother (hollaback, pink ribbon), I have always been nothing less than irritated after forcing myself to read an issue of Cosmopolitan from front to back. Knowing that this is what Elle Woods considered to be 'the Bible of all women', I've tried to force myself to get into the periodical. I love outrageousness and Cosmo definitely does a great job in skipping innuendo and getting right to the point. It was the forbidden fruit in middle school, something I would always sneak reading, and fulfilled everything in my sexual education that the health teacher never taught me. But when the time came that it was actually appropriate for me to read the magazine, I always found myself thinking, what the Hell, Cosmo? With eighty-percent of the magazine filled with different methodologies to pleasure your man and over analyze your relationship, despite my constant boy crazy state, was irritated by the magazine's lack of recognizing so many other important aspects of a woman's life. It wasn't the blunt sex talk that I had an issue with; in fact, it made me laugh and I continue to find it entertaining. However, I can only read about trying a new sexual position as a guarantee to make a man stay with me for so long; fashion, money, social networking, career, and travel definitely constitute as equivalently important aspects of the Cosmopolitan woman's life. I'm too balanced of a person to give all of my energy to reading one hundred fifty pages about a single topic every month.
However, after seeing that Gagaloo herself donned the cover of the latest issue in sexy nude underwear, I decided to give Cosmo another try. After reading the Lady Gaga article four times in a row, I decided to give the rest of the issue a chance, only to -of course- find myself entirely and completely irritated with the stupidity of the magazine after fifteen minutes. According to Cosmo's April issue, here are ways to keep a guy and improve your sex life, and why I feel that they are absolutely retarded and useless:

• "What His Beer Says About Him": According to the super intelligent Cosmo writers, a light beer suggests he gets along with everyone while a microbrew suggests he likes new experiences. All beer tells me is that, if I'm able to identify him by drinking a specific kind frequently, he doesn't mind having a hard, fat gut by the time he's thirty-five. And if that's the case, I don't really care what it says about him.
• "Why He Loves Your Cooking": This article suggests two things; That your food reminds him of his mother, and that your food also acts as an aphrodisiac. Frankly, I don't think you should want a guy who has his mother and sex too close to each other in his thought process. What's he going to say? "I used to love the broccoli rabbes my mom made for me when I was little....can we have sex now?" RED FLAG.
• "Challenge Him to a Race to Fall More in Love": Why would I want to 'race my man to the car' or 'race him to the mall entrance'? That's not fun, he'll obviously beat me, and he'll have sweat stains in his shirt for the rest of the afternoon which will make me not want to hang out with him anymore. 
• "Hand Him His Favorite Section of the Newspaper": I think I saw this happen on Nick at Nite in I Love Lucy. Which was filmed in 1952 or some other prehistoric era. I read my news online, but even if I did get it delivered, he can get his own damn section of the newspaper, thank you.
• "Be the Girl Every Guy Wants to Talk To": By following the 50/50 rule when you talk. I'm sorry, but it's more like 80/20 with me. And if it is 50/50, then I'm obviously just bored because I don't feel like sharing anything with you anymore.
• "Make Him Want You": By getting a Brazilian landing strip. They look absolutely hideous (no offense if you have one), and frankly, I think that personal matters like these should be based on you and your own hygiene standards rather than what a magazine thinks will make some mediocre boy want you more. 
• "Connect with Him": Make an i-Pod playlist along with your man, exchange both of them, and only listen to each other's playlists for the whole weekend. Sorry, Cosmo, but if I took this advice I think I'd be destined for breakup; Lady Gaga, Gwen Stefani, and Nikki Menage would cause my boyfriend to end up in a mental institution.

So next time you're at the store, go for Marie Claire, Glamour, or Elle, instead. And getting the issue of Cosmo wasn't a total bust; I found the phone numbers to some very interesting psychics on the last five pages, and learned that Lady Gaga could have potentially had some cosmetic work done.