Yes, I'm a Waitress

The economy's bad, I love food, and I can't type over a hundred words a minute that secretarial jobs require, so it seemed that waiting tables would be the next best thing until the Hiring Gods came through. Without revealing the location as to where I work, I will say the following; for someone fabulous like myself, it definitely maintains my lifestyle, both morally and financially. What do I mean by this? Well, I don't buss my own tables, make my owns desserts, or deal with crap tips like Apple Bees servers do (not that there's anything wrong with that) and make a salary that definitely isn't worth complaining about. Yes, my restaurant lends itself to an environment of richesse and classiness, for the servers and clientele both. But the only unfortunate measure is that I can't sit down and enjoy a good meal when I go to a new restaurant without overanalyzing absolutely everything, and with that, probably making myself the biggest pain-in-the-ass guest to any service professional. However, I've realized that my demeanor is appreciated by an array of so many other servers out there, and after discovering this list on one of those stupid Facebook groups, realized that I haven't seen anything this real since Tiger Woods getting hit in the face with a golf club. Because you know you're a server when:


1. You know that "in the weeds" is NOT a camping term.
2. You cant decide who you hate more: kids, old people, teenagers, or foreigners
3. You're pissed if you got a $10 tip on a $60 check.
4. You can figure out 20% like nobodys business.
5. You heavily debate putting on a gratuity for a big party. And may call in a second opinion to evaluate the table.
6. You're familiar with the signature cocktail: water with lemon.
7. You don't have any idea what the special is and could care less.
8. When you go out to eat, you over analyze everything your server does. And even if they screw up you still tip at least 20%.
9. You hang out at the server table.
10. You know about all your co-workers sex lives and drug habits. And you participate in one or the other; or both!
11. You know what the most dreaded side work is and how to avoid getting stuck with it.
12. Same goes for the death section.
13. You understand the importance of booths.
14. You know that an over cooked steak is the worst re-cook ever.
15. You want to kill the kitchen when they have 30 minute ticket times.
16. You will take the long way around just to avoid your table.
17. You hate making desserts.
18. You get weeded waiting forever for the bar to pour you a freakin beer.
19. You live out of your car.
20. You always have cash on you, yet you're always broke.
21. Your cash is usually still in your book days after you worked.
22. You know who sells the good drugs.
23. You never know what happened to the wine key.
24. You become a nocturnal creature.
25. Everybody on a Sunday AM shift has a hangover.
26. The busser is never around when you need him.
27. Getting cut does not equal getting out.
28. You need a manager card to wipe your ass!
29. A mess up is always appreciated by the starving servers...
30. And you're all like a bunch of vultures when it happens!
31. When in doubt-you go with medium.
32. You use the term 86 in regular conversation. Yet you have no idea where it came from.


 So the next time you're at a restaurant, don't go unless you can afford a 20% tip, don't ask too many stupid questions, and do us a favor and forget about ordering dessert. See you in Chinatown, kids.