Beat the Heatpocalypse!

And don't end up with an IV in your arm chewing on ice chips at Sibley because you decided to be brave. With record breaking temperatures that have left me miserable, making me feel like a 50-year-old menopausal woman having hot flashes, and depriving me from ample tanning time poolside because I feel like I may have an asthma attack, these past five days have been no joke. And with little end in site to the Hell-like conditions (Fact: It rose to 107 yesterday), I've contemplated a list on how to beat the heat in the District without having to resort to staying inside all the time, or worse, a public pool (Ask me about someone I know WHO IS VERY CLOSE TO ME who got a staff infection from one):

• Hit up the movies. Honestly, I still had to bring a sweatshirt with me the other day I was so cold inside. Feeling intellectual? See Midnight in Paris, which is supposed to be outstanding. Feeling like laughing your ass off? Horrible Bosses, I can confirm, is totally ingenious will leave you with a smile. 
• Pretend you're in Ancient times; lay side ways on your bed with little to no clothes on, purchase some produce and plate it properly in front of you, and pay your neighbor/friend/significant other/roommate $10 to fan you for an hour. Extra points if you're in full hair and make up during the process and force your servant to feed you grapes.
• Have a pool at your apartment? Put your hair in a messy bun and read a great book with your body submerged underwater. I just finished The Help, which was an awesome page turner for someone ADD like me, and is a perfect book with the moving coming out in only a few weeks!
• Cook something spicy for dinner. They say spicy food cools the system; it also cleanses the system at times, so it's a total win-win.
• Check out one of the faboosh museums practically in your backyards, fellow Washingtonians. They're super air conditioned and you might even learn something. If you're like me and get bored after an hour, go to the Botanical Gardens and enjoy the agriculture. 
• If you get desperate, take a cold bath. Pretend you're living in some terrible place that doesn't have hot water. Then, you'll be grateful for the heat. My mom used to do this to me when I was a kid, FYI.
• Sit in front of the air conditioner like a dog, cat, whatever with the latest copy of US Weekly. Poor Marc Anthony and JLO- I never saw that one coming!  
• Drink lots of water alcohol. While it's important to hydrate, honestly, this weather is just too frigen hot to even make an effort. So just keep drinking (margaritas have been my selection of choice lately), and drinking, and drinking some more, and you won't even remember what the temperature is outside!

 I'm trying to survive too. We can beat this! In the meantime, wear cool clothes, deodorize, and don't be one of those morons who run outside unless you're looking to have a heat stroke.