I Have Major Issues with the Jolie-Pitt's

Hot. International. World-renowned. Big Lips. Adoption. While these are definitely some of the things that come to mind when thinking about the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt brood, I’ve come to terms with the fact recently that I have MAJOR issues with this all-star Hollywood family. And while I don’t take away from the fact that Santa Angelina travels and acts philanthropic in some of the most terrible places in the world, aside from serving as a role model in this regard, does very little in the child-rearing department. Her vagina has had little stress in ratio to the amount of children she’s had total, and while I do commend the family again for glamorizing adoption, have decided that the Jolie-Pitt family do some things in their family that are downright weird.


• They all sleep in a bed together- I’m definitely guilty of passing out next to my mom on a few occasions, but my dad and brother in the mix too?! Hell no! This reminds me of an episode of Sister Wives gone bad. Or, worse still, Michael Jackson’s Neverland.

• They dress Shiloh like a boy- Granted, if I had the genetic makeup of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, you could put poop on my face and I’d still look sexy. But this girl is going to have a complex! The butch hair cut? The cargo jeans? The fake weapon satchels? All that on a five year old, and she’s going to have some major confusion issues.

• They let their kids curse- Or so People Magazine says (my valuable sources). Such a WASPy move right here; if I ever said eff in my mother’s house, even at my current age, there would be Hell to pay. I understand they’re trying to cultivate some sort of “New Age” home life, but you still need to instill some kind of rules!

• They have six kids and aren’t married- I know I’m going to get tons of crap for this one. And I understand, things happen in life, and a child isn’t always a prerequisite for a marriage. But my personal views on having kids out of wedlock aside, you’d think once you had SIX kids together you’d consider tying the knot. What kind of selfish crap is that? Why cultivate this huge family if you can’t commit to each other? Whatevs.

• Angelina looks ana half the time- Which is going to cause her daughters to have weight complexes their entire lives. She needs a serious Happy Meal or else she’s going to instill an idea that it’s okay to be ninety five pounds.

• They don’t keep their kids in the same school for more than three months- I’m twenty-three, and hating being the new kid now! Some of my childhood friends continue to be my closest. Unless you’re in the military, a missionary, or in the circus, than there’s no reason to schlep your family from place to place like this.

• They let their eldest son play with real swords- Also says People Magazine. So who really knows. But if it’s true, that’s messed up.

If I were their keeper, Pax would take a bath, Shiloh would be in a dress, and I’d make sure that they were in an elementary school consistently for five years. Until then, continue being weirdos, Brad and Angela- but at least you’re doing good deeds in the meantime.