Ricky!

Being a huge advocate and supporter of the DC gay population, I'm happy and proud of Senor Enrique Martin for his recent coming out. Surprised? Abso-fricken-lutely NOT! I mean, not to stereotype, but what heterosexual man that you know wears jeans that tight, adopts twin babies as a single dad, and enthusiastically tells you to "shake your bon bon"? While I nevertheless consider him a top five stud, I didn't exactly go into cardiac arrest today when I found out that Ricky came true about his colors (which are clearly rainbow indeed). In fact, I even further admire him for making himself all the more vulnerable in a pop culture that is sometimes brash and judgmental. And, hopefully, Ricky can serve as an inspiration to others out their, regardless of sexual orientation, showcasing that you can be talented, successful, and handsome, with your sexuality only being a small fragment of your overall self. Hopefully, we'll one day all be laughing at the fact that someone's sexual orientation is actually news worth.
While I'm sure that there are many men out there praising Jesus right now for Ricky's confirmation on their dreams, I want to send Ricky Martin all of my love and support for a continued successful career and my admiration for his courage to continue to be true to himself.

Pop your Cherry Blossom...

Yes, I too get very irritated by the Mid-Western tourist taking pictures of every single blossom on the trees by the National Mall, wearing the most rancid fanny-packs I've ever seen in my life and walking so slowly that I want to run them over in hostility. My hair not being prepared for the humidity and needing a much needed Keratin relaxer, along with seeing the couples in those paddle boats (honestly, what is so romantic about seeing your significant other in one of those disgusting rap around life preservers?) also makes me want to vom. But once I get over all of that, I'm so ready for the 2010 Cherry Blossom Festival. And you should be too.
As a former Cherry Blossom Princess, I spent the entire week going to every little event and go-see for the festival, and have first hand experience about the good and the ugly. Though you commoners won't have the opportunity to meet the Japanese Ambassador like I did (probably the only celebrity I met during the week, so please, let me have my bragging rights), embracing your Washington heritage, experience the spring showers, and if you haven't been to a Cherry Blossom Festival yet, get ready to pop your cherry blossom, because the first time's always the best...

• Check out the dance troups, musicians, and poets performing throughout the afternoons on the public stage on 15th and Independence this week. I saw everything from Living States to Japanese bell ringers during my reign as Princess.
• The Latern Lighting at the Tidal Basin, though a little bit Grandma-like, is something to see if your in the mood. On April 4th at 2:30, be a part of history as the American National Society of States commemorates our continued respect and peace efforts with Japan. Arigato.
• FIREWORKSSSS!!!! It doesn't have to be Fourth of July for a little bit of an explosion in the sky. Enjoy them at 7th and Maine SW, eat a hot dog, and pretend it's summer.
• If you haven't been to the US Botanical Gardens, this is your opportunity. On March 31st from 6:30 to 8:30, see an array of Japanese fauna, including Samurai Orchids, while you tour the botanical gardens. It smells so good in there and you feel like you're in the Amazon. So worth it. 
• The Cherry Blossom Parade: Although I played hookie when asked to march in the rain as this when I was princess, the parade in a free event with awesome floats, snacks, and those little guys in the crazy hats who drive around in little cars. If it's nice out on April 10th, be sure to hit up Constitution Ave. by 10 am to get a prime view.

Work on that Japanese, hit up some events, and be sure to give the evil eye to any tourist walking too slowly. Enjoy!

Keep Telephoning Me...

You're obviously either a caveman or a Jesuit monk if you haven't heard the hoopla surrounding Lady Gaga and Beyonce's dangerously delicious new track, and music video, Telephone; Which is why I'm not going to go on and on about how much this video is that of an opus or masterpiece. As the 'Thriller' for our generation, you'll not only see how fashionable a female jail can be, but also experience Gaga's private parts (that are bleeped out, sorry boys and girls), a telephone-embossed headdress, and a mass murder at a local diner, all while Beyonce and Gaga are cruising the town in Tarantino's famous 'Pussy Wagon'. The creativity, rawness, and all around insanely excellent fashion in this video make it legendary, and make me love Gagalicious that much more (though I didn't think I had the ability to). But despite my obsession with the nine minutes in this heaven of a music video, I do still have some questions that maybe other Gaga fans out there have pondered as well:

• Why the 'how to make a sandwich' vignette? There is nothing sexy about sandwich making and I just really don't get it.
• Did she really have to choose the ugliest lesbian alive to be her jail-yard lover?
• Has our Princess of Pop had any cosmetic work done as of recent? The eyes are looking a little larger than usual, the nose a little smaller...

Regardless, check out the video at the link below if you have yet to see it. And prepare to be obsessed. 

Telephone (Official Explicit Version) - Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé | Music Video | VEVO

All About Lashes

Any female or gay male knows that one's eyelashes are probably one (if not the) most important part of
one's facial composition. They radiate sensuality, act as the perfect accessory for any look, and do a great job in balancing out facial proportions. They're fun to bat at other people (Hello there stud, on the other side of the room), and make you feel like a MAC makeup artist if you're able to do them just right. Most importantly, they just add a general extra 'oompf' to your look next to all of your friends who will probably just use some cheapy mascara to look good on Saturday night. For those of you who haven't, leopards, it's time for you to kick it up a notch.
Having a "larger than life" nose, to put it nicely, I've become an expert at playing up my lashes through different mascaras, false lashes, and semi-permanent lash growing techniques from my plastic surgeon. With some being amazing and others being the most bogus pieces of crap on the market, I have some great recommendations that will make your barely-there eye stubble transform into lashes of Gaga-licious lengths. If you've got a Sephora Beauty Insider card and a little bit of extra time on your hands during your makeup regimen (which you should, because it will only make you look better), than it's about time you stop using that stupid Great Lengths CVS mascara (circa: 1982) and try one of these daring products:
Mascara:
-Dior Show ($28, Sephora, Dept. Stores): Probably the best classic mascara on the market. Yet, it is rather pricey, but it won't only increase the length of your lashes, but will do a number for volume and color, as well. Now if only there was a $28 product that could do that for your boobs, as well.
-L'Oreal Double Extend ($7.99, CVS): The product that got me through middle and high school. For the price, it's actually not that bad, and has a primer and mascara, which is perfect for adding length to short lashed girls like me.
-Deja Vu Fiberwig 3D Mascara ($14.00, Sephora): MY FAVORITE PRODUCT! Honestly, the fiber particles will quickly dry with each coat, and as you continue applying, will be able to increase the length of your lashes. Plus, it's great for people with sensitive eyes, and only needs water for removal.
-Shu Uemera Mascara ($27, Neiman Marcus): Voted by Allure magazine as the best mascara out there, get ready for some black lashes. This product is not only rich in material, but is one of the darkest color blacks that I've seen on a mascara in a long time.
Fake Lashes:
-Ardell False Lashes ($3.50, CVS): Honestly, there's no reason to spend a lot on lashes if they're just for going out. CVS has this awesome line that I swear by, and some of the packaging even comes with a free mini-tube of adhesive. If it's your first stab at lashes, go for these.
-MAC False Lashes ($8.99, MAC Counters): Want something a bit more dramatic? MAC is great if you're looking for something a bit more specific, whether you'd like brown lashes or a style that fans out at the end a bit more. Plus, if you purchase them, a MAC artist will apply them for you on the spot (which is cheating, so don't let me catch you do this).
-Make Up Forever Lashes ($15.00, Sephora): This is for the times you're really looking for something Halloween-status. Coming in all colors and all textures, be a trend setter and rock out in some lime green lashes.
TIPS: If it's your first time, pick up an adhesive in black. Duo, at CVS, makes a great line of black glue; this way, when you're applying it, the glue will dry to blend right in with your eyeliner. Also be sure to place a second layer of glue OVER the lashes to act as a sealer; you don't want to be kissing that boy at the club and all of a sudden have him realize he's got a fake track of eyelashes up his left nostril.
Lash Enhancement:
-Latisse ($120/month supply): If it worked for Brooke Sheilds, it's gotta work for you. But really, this former glaucoma treatment that I've used in the past will have you lashes growing at a pretty steady rate within two months. The key? Consistency. The moment you forget to use it, forget about it.
-Revitalash Eyelash Conditioner ($69/month supply): Does pretty much the same thing as Latisse, but for a lesser price and less dramatic results. But if you're not looking for crazy results, I definitely trust this product and assure you that you won't end up with pink eye or anything after usage.
-Temporary Eyelash Extensions ($25/2 weeks): Done with a special glue that holds sections of lashes together in clusters, this technique is great if you have a long term special event, or anything else that requires you to look nice for a long period of time without actually having to wear a lot of makeup. Envy Nails (4425 Wisconsin Ave) in Tenleytown does a great job in applying this sort of extension (Ask for Kathy).
-Semi-Permanent Eyelash Extensions ($300/3 months): This nearly two hour long process is medically tested and a little bit more legit than the temporary technique. Each strand is glued on individually, and the lashes are sealed there for up to three months (You're also less apt to get an eye infection with this method, which isn't a bad thing). Check out Aveda in Georgetown if you're looking for something this route.

Bat those lashes and pump up your look for spring. You never know who you'll attract.

Paint the Office Leopard

I never thought the day would come in which I would retire the Dansko's and moleskin notebook for my daily 86 list. But, with luck, persistence, and many interviews, I was lucky enough to start my first day in marketing at a DC-based Fortune 500 company. After spending three hours the night before picking out the perfect outfit (only to realize that pumps and stockings were totally unnecessary in my business casual arena) and stressing about how on Earth I'll decorate my little cubicle, my anxieties were lifted as I was greeted by friendly colleagues, managers, and associates. While it will still take a while of adjusting to get used to office life (Why do we have to use waterbottles instead of Dixie Cups? Why Microsoft Outlook instead of Gmail?), I can't help but hum the Dunder Mifflin theme song as I go up the elevator to my space each day. And because The Office is my only frame of reference to any office work, I can't help but find some unique similarities among the company in which I now work and our beloved Dunder Mifflin:

• We both have philanthropic organizations: Though not very similar, at all. Because who else besides Michael Scott could organize a Rabies Fun Run For the Cure, complete with LiveStrong bracelets and a check made out to 'Science'?
• We both have recently gone 'green' by using complimentary office mugs: Except the ones given by Sabre at Dunder Mifflin are made from aluminum, and give off a disgusting after taste of metal.
• We do have conference meetings: Except our managers don't use them to have an hour talking about nonsense, nor do they have coworkers dance to keep other coworkers in labor feeling more at ease.
• We are both festive during the holidays: But don't go overboard. Moroccan-themed Christmas? Mexican-themed fiesta for the Hispanic employee, complete with pinatas? Phyllis Vance dressed up as Santa? No, a simple cake or candy cane will do just fine at my new office, thank you.
• We work in sales: But don't talk about pregnancy issues, health problems, or other issues that would manifest sympathy to seal the deal with a sale.
• We bring our lunch to work: But stay away from bringing in roadkill to be eaten later, a la Dwight Schrute and his Christmas goose.
• We all went to good schools: But does it come up in every other sentence spoken out of our mouths? Sorry, Andy Bernard; It's time to heavily limit Cornell in your vocabulary.
• We support each other: But would never all show up hospital bedside of an employee hit by a car if one of our other employees hit them in the first place. Definitely wasn't one of Michael Scott's most smoothest of moves, but definitely an amazing season opener.
• We encourage healthy lifestyles: By offering discounted gym memberships and healthy snacks to one another. We don't, however, spray junk food with DEET for fear that our colleagues will get too fat, nor do we make the whole office stand on a giant scale at the end of every work day.
• We embrace our diversity: But don't play diversity "games" in which we stick ethnic slurs written on post-its on each others' heads and try to act out what the ethnicity is. 

In the tough economy, I feel truly blessed and happy that I've received a job in a field that I could see myself working in long term. And while I won't reveal the company itself, I can't help but constantly compare it to the company that I secretly wish existed; Dunder Mifflin.

Time to Bulk Up

But not in a female body-builder type of way, because that would just be frightening. But as seventy degree weather becomes less and less of a rarity and the humidity kicks in, clothes start to become tinier and catcalls tend to get louder and more obnoxious. And though it's rare that you'll give up that weekly Georgetown cupcake or Friday night drinking binge, it's time to kick your game up at the gym if you expect to look halfway decent if you're even thinking about tanning on the Waterfront. Having recently tested out a ton of different fitness programs and classes on my own due to too many late night trips to Honey Pig, try giving a less conventional (or conventional) fitness plan a try to relieve stress, get rid of the love handles, and feel all-around better about yourself:

• Try Spinning: Really, I'm addicted. This rigorous, forty five minute cycling class amps up all of its participants in its dark room with loud, blaring music. You'll burn up to 600 calories in the time of the class and won't have to deal with the embarrassment of seeing people if you were cycling on the street. The downside? The narrow seat hurts my butt and some of the Georgetown moms are so damn dramatic in my class that they moan like they're going through labor.
• Quick Trim: Because who doesn't want to look like a Kardashian? Though I don't actually know how healthy this "natural dietary supplement" is, I have several girlfriends who have lost weight fast by taking it. It seems perfect for those last minute cases of desperation. Because how hot can you look?
• Cardio Karatedo: At Vida Fitness in Chinatown (which I refuse to attend, since ever guy I ever knew in my life seems to workout there), one of the most popular classes, Karatedo, is a combination of kick boxing and Tae Kwon Do moves that will have you sweating in the first ten minutes. What's better, you'll also learn how to kick ass while you're kicking your own.
• ZUMBA!: I don't know why they put an exclamation point at the end of the title, but I tried it once and it's not that bad. Using hip-hop and Latin infused fast paced moves, this moderate workout will make you feel amazing and you'll feel like you're a good dancer, too.
• BenderBall: This made me and my college room mate, Noor, have legitimate abs during our junior year. If you Google Benderball, you'll be able to order the excellent ball along with three DVDs for a $20. Your abs will be sore and you'll stand out amongst a sea of beer bellies. And, you'll be able to revisit the belly shirt trend. 
• Hot Yoga: I did this once and started seeing white spots, but have a lot of friends who get a lot out of this workout. For ninety minutes, you might as well be working out on the steps of the Taj Mahal in July, as you perform basic yoga moves in a hundred-ten degree room. The downside? My instructor was chubby, which wasn't exactly any motivation for all of the suffering.
• Ultimate Conditioning Class at WSC: This class at the WSC in Georgetown made spinning seem like a day at the spa. For fifty-five minutes, get ready to die as you do non-stop trainer workouts that include weights, abdominals, and extremely intense cardio. I took this class two days ago and it still hurts to sit down.

Want a class but have no gym? Leopards, the District accommodates all socio-economic backgrounds when it comes to getting in shape:

Poor? YMCA. 1711 Rhode Island Ave NW. (202)-785-5295. $24/mo.

Working Class? Washington Sports Club. Multiple Locations. (202)-737-3555. $69/mo.

Rich Girl? Vida Fitness. 601 F Street NW. (866)-382-VIDA. $99/mo.

Celebutante? The Sports Club LA. 22 M St. NW. (202)-974-6600. $149/mo.

Regardless of your budget or fitness goals, continue munching on the Doritos, but get to the gym so you don't become the Doritos Blimp. And, please, spare us all; Stay far, far away from any Cardio Striptease classes. 

Funxion

I love going to places in DC that make me feel like I'm in Europe. As a waitress, I don't often have the funding to jet set to Mykonos whenever I have the desire, so instead, I'm forced to enter La La Land whenever I'm in certain DC establishments and pretend that I'm in Ibiza instead of sweating next to an eighteen year old GW girl in Eyebar. The new, delicious "juice bar with booze" on 1390 F street takes me back to fond memories of studying abroad in Paris in an effortless way. Funxion, which opened two weeks back, was immediately dubbed an "industry" hot spot, which probably kept me from making an appearance at first (no, I don't necessarily want to see every single person I ever worked with in DC nightlife at the same second). But after my roommate, Christina, hyped it up to me big time, I went in with low expectations and figured I'd give it a try. AND WOW! Serving adorable pisco sours with fresh fruit and delicious cucumber cocktails, Funxion attempts to put a healthy twist on getting drunk. Not looking to drink? Don't get nervous, because Funxion also functions (haha) as a restaurant, serving amazing pizza, burgers, and smoothies that all pride themselves in being low in preservatives. But if you ARE looking for a nighttime spot, Funxion is the perfect mixture of lounge chillness and high mileage Euro-trash. With the mod, multi-colored walls, narrow interior, and DJ booth over looking the crowd, it is clear that the owner, Sed Haddad, is definitely making a huge effort to stand out. And he's succeeding;    From the smallest detailing of the automatic utilities in the restrooms to the violinist featured alongside the house music DJ, there's sure to be something for everyone at this new venue. And, you'll be able to drink a cocktail and get you're servings of vegetables at the same time.

Visit Funxion at 1309 F Street, open all nights of the week.

Take Me to Wonderland

I've always related to Alice, Lewis Carroll's fictitious heroine in both of his Victorian-era novels, Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Maybe it's because she fell down a hole, and I tend to trip a lot, or for the fact that she never listened to what anyone said. Regardless, any story with talking rabbits, queens and crowns, and a potion that can shrink you is definitely one for me. And despite learning that Anne Hathaway (who needs a tanning bed in every room in her house) would be playing a very significant role in the movie, I was very excited to hear about the remake of the Disney cartoon. Tim Burton?! Johnny Depp?! 3D glasses?! There was very little, aside from ghostly Annie, that could sway me from being completely obsessed with this film.
For the girl who doesn't do drugs, Alice in Wonderland was a visual acid trip, with the film capturing bright colors, butterflies in 3D effects that I wanted to catch with my hand (until my friend Drew told me to stop it), and probably some of the most insane make-up I've ever seen applied to characters in a movie in a long time. Star Mia Wasikowska breaks the stereotype of Alice being a lilthy, ditzy blonde, and gives the character a darker, more raw image. Though attractive, her sunken-in eyes and often blank facial expressions throughout the film contrast with the colorful life in Wonderland, making it even more visually pleasing. The Queen of Hearts, who made me LOL the entire time, made me wish I had my own stash of toad-butlers, and the Cheshire cat's eerie smile made me slightly uncomfortable (which, I think, was the goal). And while Johnny Depp played the perfect Mad Hatter, his accent made me feel like I was listening to Jack Sparrow during points of the film, and sometimes got just a little bit inconsistent. His orange hair and painted face made him look like an insane combination of Kiss and Carrot Top, which made me want to be at his tea party even more.
But while Burton's creation does tend to sway from the original story a bit, it's a movie that girls, guys, kids, and grandmas will definitely enjoy. The visual pleasure that it cultivates will leave you wanting to see it a second time (which I am doing with my friend Jules this week). And, unlike Avatar, the 3D glasses didn't even give me a headache!

Not So Cosmopolitan

Let me get one thing straight before I even start my rant; I'm not anti-guys, I'm not anti-sex, and I'm completely proud to be a woman and celebrate femininity every day (hello, push-up bras?). But despite being a member and advocate of so many staples of women hood, from being a Vice President in my college sorority to supporting breast cancer awareness with my mother (hollaback, pink ribbon), I have always been nothing less than irritated after forcing myself to read an issue of Cosmopolitan from front to back. Knowing that this is what Elle Woods considered to be 'the Bible of all women', I've tried to force myself to get into the periodical. I love outrageousness and Cosmo definitely does a great job in skipping innuendo and getting right to the point. It was the forbidden fruit in middle school, something I would always sneak reading, and fulfilled everything in my sexual education that the health teacher never taught me. But when the time came that it was actually appropriate for me to read the magazine, I always found myself thinking, what the Hell, Cosmo? With eighty-percent of the magazine filled with different methodologies to pleasure your man and over analyze your relationship, despite my constant boy crazy state, was irritated by the magazine's lack of recognizing so many other important aspects of a woman's life. It wasn't the blunt sex talk that I had an issue with; in fact, it made me laugh and I continue to find it entertaining. However, I can only read about trying a new sexual position as a guarantee to make a man stay with me for so long; fashion, money, social networking, career, and travel definitely constitute as equivalently important aspects of the Cosmopolitan woman's life. I'm too balanced of a person to give all of my energy to reading one hundred fifty pages about a single topic every month.
However, after seeing that Gagaloo herself donned the cover of the latest issue in sexy nude underwear, I decided to give Cosmo another try. After reading the Lady Gaga article four times in a row, I decided to give the rest of the issue a chance, only to -of course- find myself entirely and completely irritated with the stupidity of the magazine after fifteen minutes. According to Cosmo's April issue, here are ways to keep a guy and improve your sex life, and why I feel that they are absolutely retarded and useless:

• "What His Beer Says About Him": According to the super intelligent Cosmo writers, a light beer suggests he gets along with everyone while a microbrew suggests he likes new experiences. All beer tells me is that, if I'm able to identify him by drinking a specific kind frequently, he doesn't mind having a hard, fat gut by the time he's thirty-five. And if that's the case, I don't really care what it says about him.
• "Why He Loves Your Cooking": This article suggests two things; That your food reminds him of his mother, and that your food also acts as an aphrodisiac. Frankly, I don't think you should want a guy who has his mother and sex too close to each other in his thought process. What's he going to say? "I used to love the broccoli rabbes my mom made for me when I was little....can we have sex now?" RED FLAG.
• "Challenge Him to a Race to Fall More in Love": Why would I want to 'race my man to the car' or 'race him to the mall entrance'? That's not fun, he'll obviously beat me, and he'll have sweat stains in his shirt for the rest of the afternoon which will make me not want to hang out with him anymore. 
• "Hand Him His Favorite Section of the Newspaper": I think I saw this happen on Nick at Nite in I Love Lucy. Which was filmed in 1952 or some other prehistoric era. I read my news online, but even if I did get it delivered, he can get his own damn section of the newspaper, thank you.
• "Be the Girl Every Guy Wants to Talk To": By following the 50/50 rule when you talk. I'm sorry, but it's more like 80/20 with me. And if it is 50/50, then I'm obviously just bored because I don't feel like sharing anything with you anymore.
• "Make Him Want You": By getting a Brazilian landing strip. They look absolutely hideous (no offense if you have one), and frankly, I think that personal matters like these should be based on you and your own hygiene standards rather than what a magazine thinks will make some mediocre boy want you more. 
• "Connect with Him": Make an i-Pod playlist along with your man, exchange both of them, and only listen to each other's playlists for the whole weekend. Sorry, Cosmo, but if I took this advice I think I'd be destined for breakup; Lady Gaga, Gwen Stefani, and Nikki Menage would cause my boyfriend to end up in a mental institution.

So next time you're at the store, go for Marie Claire, Glamour, or Elle, instead. And getting the issue of Cosmo wasn't a total bust; I found the phone numbers to some very interesting psychics on the last five pages, and learned that Lady Gaga could have potentially had some cosmetic work done. 

Get Artsy with your Martini

Are you an artist but also an alcoholic? Do you debate whether you should put down the paint brush or the pommagranite martini? Despite all of these moral vices, do you enjoy giving back to your local DC community? More specifically, to the art programs that allow inner-city youth to flourish? Looks like the Artini Competition at the Corcoran Gallery of Art on Saturday, March 27th is for you. With the perfect combination of art and booze, you'll not only feel more cultured after viewing the 'A Love of Europe Collection', but will have an even greater appreciation for the pieces after trying a martini modeled after each of the paintings. Not exactly in your budget to put out $100 for a ticket to mingle with DC's finest? Each of the twelve selected mixologists are featuring their competition drinks at their respective restaurants for the month of March, allowing diners and drinkers to go on a tasting of their own. The best? Gutherie of POV at the W's delicious creation of 'The Dance Class', combining the perfect elements of sweetness and tartness in his drink, Chris Kelley of Mien Yu's twist on a traditional apple martini with 'The Green Lizard', but best of all, Arris Noble of Sei's 'Bacchante', a perfect blend of vodka, averna, habanero, yuzu and red wine, served in a Bordeaux glass (that resembles Snoop's pimp cup) with an edible daisy on top. Of course, there are a fair share of misses with the drinks as well, but being as this competition is for charity and all, won't try to slander the reputations of talented bartenders on the basis of a single drink that my Moscato-pampered palate wasn't feeling at the time. But whether you're down for eighteenth-century European art or not, double fist with the best of them and, if you do have the funds, be sure to check out the Artini Competition at the Corcoran Gallery to support your favorite bartender and the availability of art programs to students everywhere in the city.

The 2010 Academy Awards

There is, in fact, a God; adorable Sandra Bullock won best actress and Precious didn't win best picture. I sat on my couch for three hours and sacrificed an evening at Gazuza to live vicariously through the countless celebrities on my television wearing gowns worth more than my annual income (Penelope Cruz, anyone?) But while I snacked on my wasabi peas and analyzed all of the gowns with every single gay man I know via text message, I realized, though the Oscars usually deem perfection, there was definitely some good, some bad, and some ugly. And while I like to think of my blog as sort of a "safe zone" from Perez-like dissing and will stay away from identifying 'the ugly', here's my quick recap on what was good and what was, otherwise, mediocre and sometimes painful.

The Good

• Oprah's beautiful homage to Precious star, Gabourey Sidibe, moving all of the actresses in the Best Actress category to tears. Though I don't think that the movie is Academy Award-worthy, I do give props to Sidibe for keeping it real and taking on brutal Hollywood with such a controversial debut role.
• Steve Carrell harassing the emcees during the red carpet preshow. Gotta love that Michael Scott.
• Sandra Bullock's incredible humility in accepting her award, and even better, Meryll Streep's sportsmanship in congratulating someone who is not half as good an actress.
• The excellent tribute to horror films in which I literally screamed and woke up people in my house when they showed the girl from The Ring (I will admit, I had to sleep with my mom for five nights after that traumatizing movie).
• Seeing meanie director James Cameron loose. Karma's a bitch.
• Witnessing the first female ever to win the Director of the Year Oscar. I'm not really one for girl power, but Kathryn Bigelow didn't even direct some frothy relationship movie. Instead, she conquered the Best Film title with The Hurt Locker, a military film that touched many (except for me because I don't really care). Congrats, Katie!
• Barbara Walters saying the champagne was cheap after tosting with Sandra Bullock. 
• Jennifer Lopez's amazing gown that made me want to stop snacking immediately. I have a date with Washington Sports Club tomorrow morning.

The Bad

• Picturing the jungle underneath Mo'Nique's gown after reading in an Entertainment Weekly article that she refuses to shave her legs. Eek. 
• George Clooney giving the stink eye to Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin during their opening improv act on stage. Loose the attitude, buddy.
• Miley Cyrus, who isn't even really an actress, effing up all of her lines when presenting an award when all she had to do was follow the script on the teleprompter.
• Including Michael Jackson in the In Requiem montage. Whether you think he was a saint or a child molester, the fact is, his one role in The Wiz doesn't make him an actor. Commemorate his legacy elsewhere.
• The sparkly blazer that the opening emcee wore at the beginning of the show. If you were watching, you know what I'm talking about; Save it for this year's parade.

What were your thoughts on this year's Academy Awards? What cocktail waitress will George Clooney show up with next year? And when will Quentin Tarantino start acting normal? See you in 2011...

Rockstar Wine

Who said wine was only for middle-aged yuppie Georgetown soccer moms? Though I am a vodka girl, Merkin Vineyards has shown me that, surprisingly, wine can be for the most edgy and eccentric of individuals. After meeting the lead singer of rockband Tool, Maynard Keenan, this evening, I was more impressed with the eclectic series of wine he was producing with Merkin Vineyards than his celebrity as a rockstar (Which I still don't understand why you would ever name your band after a synonym for loser, but that's a whole different story). After chatting with him briefly, I was invited to try one of his excellent creations; a Sangiovese in his Caduceus wine series, with notes of pepper, cedar, and berry, that is loud, exciting, and definitely fit for a rock star like Keenan who used to perform on stage in a painted face and women's undergarments. Though Caduceus is an excellent line of different wines, he has done so much more for the wine community than produce great juice; Keenan has created a label that has made wine more appealing to a demographic that, in the past, probably would have gone for the Everclear instead of a nice Malbec. Even more, he has an extensive and very popular website that looks like something out of the computer game 'Myst', and just had the premiere of his indie film, Blood into Wine. He's even been on tour, but has left the bras and face makeup behind, doing signings and meet-and-greets and Whole Foods and different wine distributers across the country. His appeal to a variety continues, and for Keenan, his wine career has just begun; He plans on launching several more cellars in and around the Phoenix area. And, who knows, if you're lucky, you might just catch this new wino around DC in these next couple of days...

Yes, I'm a Waitress

The economy's bad, I love food, and I can't type over a hundred words a minute that secretarial jobs require, so it seemed that waiting tables would be the next best thing until the Hiring Gods came through. Without revealing the location as to where I work, I will say the following; for someone fabulous like myself, it definitely maintains my lifestyle, both morally and financially. What do I mean by this? Well, I don't buss my own tables, make my owns desserts, or deal with crap tips like Apple Bees servers do (not that there's anything wrong with that) and make a salary that definitely isn't worth complaining about. Yes, my restaurant lends itself to an environment of richesse and classiness, for the servers and clientele both. But the only unfortunate measure is that I can't sit down and enjoy a good meal when I go to a new restaurant without overanalyzing absolutely everything, and with that, probably making myself the biggest pain-in-the-ass guest to any service professional. However, I've realized that my demeanor is appreciated by an array of so many other servers out there, and after discovering this list on one of those stupid Facebook groups, realized that I haven't seen anything this real since Tiger Woods getting hit in the face with a golf club. Because you know you're a server when:


1. You know that "in the weeds" is NOT a camping term.
2. You cant decide who you hate more: kids, old people, teenagers, or foreigners
3. You're pissed if you got a $10 tip on a $60 check.
4. You can figure out 20% like nobodys business.
5. You heavily debate putting on a gratuity for a big party. And may call in a second opinion to evaluate the table.
6. You're familiar with the signature cocktail: water with lemon.
7. You don't have any idea what the special is and could care less.
8. When you go out to eat, you over analyze everything your server does. And even if they screw up you still tip at least 20%.
9. You hang out at the server table.
10. You know about all your co-workers sex lives and drug habits. And you participate in one or the other; or both!
11. You know what the most dreaded side work is and how to avoid getting stuck with it.
12. Same goes for the death section.
13. You understand the importance of booths.
14. You know that an over cooked steak is the worst re-cook ever.
15. You want to kill the kitchen when they have 30 minute ticket times.
16. You will take the long way around just to avoid your table.
17. You hate making desserts.
18. You get weeded waiting forever for the bar to pour you a freakin beer.
19. You live out of your car.
20. You always have cash on you, yet you're always broke.
21. Your cash is usually still in your book days after you worked.
22. You know who sells the good drugs.
23. You never know what happened to the wine key.
24. You become a nocturnal creature.
25. Everybody on a Sunday AM shift has a hangover.
26. The busser is never around when you need him.
27. Getting cut does not equal getting out.
28. You need a manager card to wipe your ass!
29. A mess up is always appreciated by the starving servers...
30. And you're all like a bunch of vultures when it happens!
31. When in doubt-you go with medium.
32. You use the term 86 in regular conversation. Yet you have no idea where it came from.


 So the next time you're at a restaurant, don't go unless you can afford a 20% tip, don't ask too many stupid questions, and do us a favor and forget about ordering dessert. See you in Chinatown, kids. 

In DC This Week...

Break the tradition and stop getting drunk every night. Sure, definitely commit some nights of your week to some extensive partying, but do you really want to let your possibly temporary stay in the nation's capital pass you with with just a few wasted nights at Lima to remember? While I'm all for partying like a rockstar, get some people together and delve into a cultural activity in DC this week; You'll stop feeling like such a drunk every Saturday morning, and better still, will have a lot more to talk about with civilized people when you're forced to go to your next office party.

• Go to a concert at the 930 Club: Though I'm not one for the emo or "alternative" scene, expand your horizons and go see Jacks Mannequin, Ani DiFranco, or Alice in Chains at some point this week. Shows are all usually under $30, and the venue is relatively small for an intimate experience.
• Check out Henry V at the Shakespere Theater: Enjoy an educational afternoon or evening and watch and entire show that reminds you of your college writing professor. Also, have fun pretending that you know what they're saying.
• Fight Abused and Tortured POWs: Join artists, politicians, and speakers at Georgetown University on 3/3 for an informational evening on what we can do to stop abuse towards prisoners during the "War on Terror". Not too much of an uplifting event, but you're helping a good cause.
• Wizards vs. Milwaukee Bucks: I don't know of too many Bucks fans, nor have I even heard of the team, but support your local team on 3/5 at the Verizon Center. Because I'm sure this game's going to be a real competitive one.
• The 9th Annual Leprechaun Lap: This Saturday, start St. Patrick's Day early with a bar crawl touching base everywhere from Mackey's to the Front Page. Enjoy tons of drink specials and bring two canned goods for the Manna Food Center for a reduced admission of $10. Though I'm about the farthest thing from Irish, I did this one year and had the time of my life. Get there at one and enjoy the festivities until nine.
• A Medieval Dinner: Enjoy a four-course dinner at The Caucus Room next Monday for a Shakespeare-inspired meal. With Henry V characters present and various entertainment, the food here is so delicious I would go just for that alone. Armor and girdle are optional.
• Wine Tasting: Though he's no Andrew Stover, enjoy a wine tasting dinner at Taberna del Alabardero with acclaimed sommelier Gustavo Inlesta from Torres Winery. At $85 a person, you'll receive a five course dinner and know how to tell the difference between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Sauvignon Blanc by the end of the meal.

Whether you're a fan of Milwaukee or the Medieval Era, DC has something to offer to everyone this week. Break away from your normal cycle of partying and try something new. 

Smell Sexy

Despite my terrible allergies and tendency to sneeze over the tiniest bit of pot pourri in a guest bathroom, there's one thing that, in mine opinion, is even worse then using a few extra tissues; smelling like a fart, body odor, or anything else unpleasent. I'm not telling you to skip the shower and, instead, spray your entire body with eau de toilette (which has several slang terms that I will not mention here for the fact that they're offensive), but I've always seen the importance of every woman smelling sexy. That doesn't mean wearing something strong like Chanel No. 5 into the office and having every single person gossip about who you're trying to seduce with your mature stench, but rather, wearing something appropriate for the mood that you're trying to convey for whatever you're doing, and with that, executing everything you do with the greatest level of confidence. And despite my constantly runny nose pre-septoplasty, I've sucked it up and continued wearing and experimenting with different fragerences, realizing that some of the best are also some of the least expensive (funny, this never happens to me with ANYTHING else...figures). Have a date? An important interview? Lunch with your Nana? Below are my perfect fragerence suggestions for every scenario life may have in store for you:

• For a Chapter Meeting with your sorority sisters: Daisy by Marc Jacobs. In tight quarters, it's not too strong and won't lead to people not wanting to sit next to you, and kind of reminds me of baby powder mixed with my grandmother's garden (is that weird?). And for all those pretentious girls who want to know why you smell so good-oh my gawd-you're wearng Marc Jacobs.
• For hanging out with the guy who's JUST your friend, but unfortunately, he may see you as more: L by L.A.M.B. It's citrus mixed with a little bit of cedar and grapefruit, and comes in a cute little square bottle decorated in traditional Rasta colors. It's traditional without being too girly-girl and ill do the trick in making sure that you smell good but will also be sure to let him know that he's just a friend...Sorry, man...
• For a night of fist pumping at the Jersey Shore (Or Mineral Spring Ave.):  Envy by Gucci. It's loud, sexy, and will be easily recognizable by your fello guidos and guidettes pressent. If you're from New Jersey, New York, or Rhode Island, it's guarenteed that you grew up with at least five girlfriends who wore Envy (Come on, am I wrong?).
• For a super-important job interview: The One by Dolce & Gabanna. Though it smells slightly mom-ish, it's fragrent forward, direct, and means business with notes of aragon, citrus, and wood. You'll go in feeling polished, confident, and mature (even if you're wearing a Hello Kitty thong underneath your Tahari suit).
• For a lunch with an older relative: Chantilly by CVS (?). This drugstore perfume is super cheap and will keep old people comfortable since it tends to be a farmiliar scent among their demographic. And frankly, don't judge, but it's quite floral and I actually think it smells really nice.
• For a trip down memory lane to middle school: Tommygirl by Tommy Hilfiger. Because you just weren't cool if you didn't get it in your Christmas stocking. And even though it wasn't so trendy anymore past eighth grade, it actually still smells really good looking back at it.
• For your Royal Carribean Cruise: G by Harajuku Lovers. Seriously, this stuff smells like a pina colada in the best of ways, and even if I'm not on a cruise, always give myself a squirt if I'm depressed about the cold winter weather. It takes me back to the Riu Negril in Jamaica every time I get a whiff. Plus, the bottle is an adorable Gwen Stefani action figure.
• For the times you just want to smell amazing: Fantasy by Britney Spears!! I bet you didn't see this one coming. It's sweet, floral, all around feminine, and quite inexpensive. And, it's probably my favorite fragerence of all time, making me smile everytime I wear it. I couldn't express to you how much I love this stuff.

From the drugstore brands to the designer trends, I endorse and have worn all of these fragerences at one point or another and endorse each of them for all of your day-to-day needs. Because you wouldn't wear the same underwear for Valentine's Day with your boyfriend to your annual physical, so why would you wear the same perfume?