Not So Cosmopolitan

Let me get one thing straight before I even start my rant; I'm not anti-guys, I'm not anti-sex, and I'm completely proud to be a woman and celebrate femininity every day (hello, push-up bras?). But despite being a member and advocate of so many staples of women hood, from being a Vice President in my college sorority to supporting breast cancer awareness with my mother (hollaback, pink ribbon), I have always been nothing less than irritated after forcing myself to read an issue of Cosmopolitan from front to back. Knowing that this is what Elle Woods considered to be 'the Bible of all women', I've tried to force myself to get into the periodical. I love outrageousness and Cosmo definitely does a great job in skipping innuendo and getting right to the point. It was the forbidden fruit in middle school, something I would always sneak reading, and fulfilled everything in my sexual education that the health teacher never taught me. But when the time came that it was actually appropriate for me to read the magazine, I always found myself thinking, what the Hell, Cosmo? With eighty-percent of the magazine filled with different methodologies to pleasure your man and over analyze your relationship, despite my constant boy crazy state, was irritated by the magazine's lack of recognizing so many other important aspects of a woman's life. It wasn't the blunt sex talk that I had an issue with; in fact, it made me laugh and I continue to find it entertaining. However, I can only read about trying a new sexual position as a guarantee to make a man stay with me for so long; fashion, money, social networking, career, and travel definitely constitute as equivalently important aspects of the Cosmopolitan woman's life. I'm too balanced of a person to give all of my energy to reading one hundred fifty pages about a single topic every month.
However, after seeing that Gagaloo herself donned the cover of the latest issue in sexy nude underwear, I decided to give Cosmo another try. After reading the Lady Gaga article four times in a row, I decided to give the rest of the issue a chance, only to -of course- find myself entirely and completely irritated with the stupidity of the magazine after fifteen minutes. According to Cosmo's April issue, here are ways to keep a guy and improve your sex life, and why I feel that they are absolutely retarded and useless:

• "What His Beer Says About Him": According to the super intelligent Cosmo writers, a light beer suggests he gets along with everyone while a microbrew suggests he likes new experiences. All beer tells me is that, if I'm able to identify him by drinking a specific kind frequently, he doesn't mind having a hard, fat gut by the time he's thirty-five. And if that's the case, I don't really care what it says about him.
• "Why He Loves Your Cooking": This article suggests two things; That your food reminds him of his mother, and that your food also acts as an aphrodisiac. Frankly, I don't think you should want a guy who has his mother and sex too close to each other in his thought process. What's he going to say? "I used to love the broccoli rabbes my mom made for me when I was little....can we have sex now?" RED FLAG.
• "Challenge Him to a Race to Fall More in Love": Why would I want to 'race my man to the car' or 'race him to the mall entrance'? That's not fun, he'll obviously beat me, and he'll have sweat stains in his shirt for the rest of the afternoon which will make me not want to hang out with him anymore. 
• "Hand Him His Favorite Section of the Newspaper": I think I saw this happen on Nick at Nite in I Love Lucy. Which was filmed in 1952 or some other prehistoric era. I read my news online, but even if I did get it delivered, he can get his own damn section of the newspaper, thank you.
• "Be the Girl Every Guy Wants to Talk To": By following the 50/50 rule when you talk. I'm sorry, but it's more like 80/20 with me. And if it is 50/50, then I'm obviously just bored because I don't feel like sharing anything with you anymore.
• "Make Him Want You": By getting a Brazilian landing strip. They look absolutely hideous (no offense if you have one), and frankly, I think that personal matters like these should be based on you and your own hygiene standards rather than what a magazine thinks will make some mediocre boy want you more. 
• "Connect with Him": Make an i-Pod playlist along with your man, exchange both of them, and only listen to each other's playlists for the whole weekend. Sorry, Cosmo, but if I took this advice I think I'd be destined for breakup; Lady Gaga, Gwen Stefani, and Nikki Menage would cause my boyfriend to end up in a mental institution.

So next time you're at the store, go for Marie Claire, Glamour, or Elle, instead. And getting the issue of Cosmo wasn't a total bust; I found the phone numbers to some very interesting psychics on the last five pages, and learned that Lady Gaga could have potentially had some cosmetic work done. 

Get Artsy with your Martini

Are you an artist but also an alcoholic? Do you debate whether you should put down the paint brush or the pommagranite martini? Despite all of these moral vices, do you enjoy giving back to your local DC community? More specifically, to the art programs that allow inner-city youth to flourish? Looks like the Artini Competition at the Corcoran Gallery of Art on Saturday, March 27th is for you. With the perfect combination of art and booze, you'll not only feel more cultured after viewing the 'A Love of Europe Collection', but will have an even greater appreciation for the pieces after trying a martini modeled after each of the paintings. Not exactly in your budget to put out $100 for a ticket to mingle with DC's finest? Each of the twelve selected mixologists are featuring their competition drinks at their respective restaurants for the month of March, allowing diners and drinkers to go on a tasting of their own. The best? Gutherie of POV at the W's delicious creation of 'The Dance Class', combining the perfect elements of sweetness and tartness in his drink, Chris Kelley of Mien Yu's twist on a traditional apple martini with 'The Green Lizard', but best of all, Arris Noble of Sei's 'Bacchante', a perfect blend of vodka, averna, habanero, yuzu and red wine, served in a Bordeaux glass (that resembles Snoop's pimp cup) with an edible daisy on top. Of course, there are a fair share of misses with the drinks as well, but being as this competition is for charity and all, won't try to slander the reputations of talented bartenders on the basis of a single drink that my Moscato-pampered palate wasn't feeling at the time. But whether you're down for eighteenth-century European art or not, double fist with the best of them and, if you do have the funds, be sure to check out the Artini Competition at the Corcoran Gallery to support your favorite bartender and the availability of art programs to students everywhere in the city.

The 2010 Academy Awards

There is, in fact, a God; adorable Sandra Bullock won best actress and Precious didn't win best picture. I sat on my couch for three hours and sacrificed an evening at Gazuza to live vicariously through the countless celebrities on my television wearing gowns worth more than my annual income (Penelope Cruz, anyone?) But while I snacked on my wasabi peas and analyzed all of the gowns with every single gay man I know via text message, I realized, though the Oscars usually deem perfection, there was definitely some good, some bad, and some ugly. And while I like to think of my blog as sort of a "safe zone" from Perez-like dissing and will stay away from identifying 'the ugly', here's my quick recap on what was good and what was, otherwise, mediocre and sometimes painful.

The Good

• Oprah's beautiful homage to Precious star, Gabourey Sidibe, moving all of the actresses in the Best Actress category to tears. Though I don't think that the movie is Academy Award-worthy, I do give props to Sidibe for keeping it real and taking on brutal Hollywood with such a controversial debut role.
• Steve Carrell harassing the emcees during the red carpet preshow. Gotta love that Michael Scott.
• Sandra Bullock's incredible humility in accepting her award, and even better, Meryll Streep's sportsmanship in congratulating someone who is not half as good an actress.
• The excellent tribute to horror films in which I literally screamed and woke up people in my house when they showed the girl from The Ring (I will admit, I had to sleep with my mom for five nights after that traumatizing movie).
• Seeing meanie director James Cameron loose. Karma's a bitch.
• Witnessing the first female ever to win the Director of the Year Oscar. I'm not really one for girl power, but Kathryn Bigelow didn't even direct some frothy relationship movie. Instead, she conquered the Best Film title with The Hurt Locker, a military film that touched many (except for me because I don't really care). Congrats, Katie!
• Barbara Walters saying the champagne was cheap after tosting with Sandra Bullock. 
• Jennifer Lopez's amazing gown that made me want to stop snacking immediately. I have a date with Washington Sports Club tomorrow morning.

The Bad

• Picturing the jungle underneath Mo'Nique's gown after reading in an Entertainment Weekly article that she refuses to shave her legs. Eek. 
• George Clooney giving the stink eye to Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin during their opening improv act on stage. Loose the attitude, buddy.
• Miley Cyrus, who isn't even really an actress, effing up all of her lines when presenting an award when all she had to do was follow the script on the teleprompter.
• Including Michael Jackson in the In Requiem montage. Whether you think he was a saint or a child molester, the fact is, his one role in The Wiz doesn't make him an actor. Commemorate his legacy elsewhere.
• The sparkly blazer that the opening emcee wore at the beginning of the show. If you were watching, you know what I'm talking about; Save it for this year's parade.

What were your thoughts on this year's Academy Awards? What cocktail waitress will George Clooney show up with next year? And when will Quentin Tarantino start acting normal? See you in 2011...

Rockstar Wine

Who said wine was only for middle-aged yuppie Georgetown soccer moms? Though I am a vodka girl, Merkin Vineyards has shown me that, surprisingly, wine can be for the most edgy and eccentric of individuals. After meeting the lead singer of rockband Tool, Maynard Keenan, this evening, I was more impressed with the eclectic series of wine he was producing with Merkin Vineyards than his celebrity as a rockstar (Which I still don't understand why you would ever name your band after a synonym for loser, but that's a whole different story). After chatting with him briefly, I was invited to try one of his excellent creations; a Sangiovese in his Caduceus wine series, with notes of pepper, cedar, and berry, that is loud, exciting, and definitely fit for a rock star like Keenan who used to perform on stage in a painted face and women's undergarments. Though Caduceus is an excellent line of different wines, he has done so much more for the wine community than produce great juice; Keenan has created a label that has made wine more appealing to a demographic that, in the past, probably would have gone for the Everclear instead of a nice Malbec. Even more, he has an extensive and very popular website that looks like something out of the computer game 'Myst', and just had the premiere of his indie film, Blood into Wine. He's even been on tour, but has left the bras and face makeup behind, doing signings and meet-and-greets and Whole Foods and different wine distributers across the country. His appeal to a variety continues, and for Keenan, his wine career has just begun; He plans on launching several more cellars in and around the Phoenix area. And, who knows, if you're lucky, you might just catch this new wino around DC in these next couple of days...

Yes, I'm a Waitress

The economy's bad, I love food, and I can't type over a hundred words a minute that secretarial jobs require, so it seemed that waiting tables would be the next best thing until the Hiring Gods came through. Without revealing the location as to where I work, I will say the following; for someone fabulous like myself, it definitely maintains my lifestyle, both morally and financially. What do I mean by this? Well, I don't buss my own tables, make my owns desserts, or deal with crap tips like Apple Bees servers do (not that there's anything wrong with that) and make a salary that definitely isn't worth complaining about. Yes, my restaurant lends itself to an environment of richesse and classiness, for the servers and clientele both. But the only unfortunate measure is that I can't sit down and enjoy a good meal when I go to a new restaurant without overanalyzing absolutely everything, and with that, probably making myself the biggest pain-in-the-ass guest to any service professional. However, I've realized that my demeanor is appreciated by an array of so many other servers out there, and after discovering this list on one of those stupid Facebook groups, realized that I haven't seen anything this real since Tiger Woods getting hit in the face with a golf club. Because you know you're a server when:


1. You know that "in the weeds" is NOT a camping term.
2. You cant decide who you hate more: kids, old people, teenagers, or foreigners
3. You're pissed if you got a $10 tip on a $60 check.
4. You can figure out 20% like nobodys business.
5. You heavily debate putting on a gratuity for a big party. And may call in a second opinion to evaluate the table.
6. You're familiar with the signature cocktail: water with lemon.
7. You don't have any idea what the special is and could care less.
8. When you go out to eat, you over analyze everything your server does. And even if they screw up you still tip at least 20%.
9. You hang out at the server table.
10. You know about all your co-workers sex lives and drug habits. And you participate in one or the other; or both!
11. You know what the most dreaded side work is and how to avoid getting stuck with it.
12. Same goes for the death section.
13. You understand the importance of booths.
14. You know that an over cooked steak is the worst re-cook ever.
15. You want to kill the kitchen when they have 30 minute ticket times.
16. You will take the long way around just to avoid your table.
17. You hate making desserts.
18. You get weeded waiting forever for the bar to pour you a freakin beer.
19. You live out of your car.
20. You always have cash on you, yet you're always broke.
21. Your cash is usually still in your book days after you worked.
22. You know who sells the good drugs.
23. You never know what happened to the wine key.
24. You become a nocturnal creature.
25. Everybody on a Sunday AM shift has a hangover.
26. The busser is never around when you need him.
27. Getting cut does not equal getting out.
28. You need a manager card to wipe your ass!
29. A mess up is always appreciated by the starving servers...
30. And you're all like a bunch of vultures when it happens!
31. When in doubt-you go with medium.
32. You use the term 86 in regular conversation. Yet you have no idea where it came from.


 So the next time you're at a restaurant, don't go unless you can afford a 20% tip, don't ask too many stupid questions, and do us a favor and forget about ordering dessert. See you in Chinatown, kids. 

In DC This Week...

Break the tradition and stop getting drunk every night. Sure, definitely commit some nights of your week to some extensive partying, but do you really want to let your possibly temporary stay in the nation's capital pass you with with just a few wasted nights at Lima to remember? While I'm all for partying like a rockstar, get some people together and delve into a cultural activity in DC this week; You'll stop feeling like such a drunk every Saturday morning, and better still, will have a lot more to talk about with civilized people when you're forced to go to your next office party.

• Go to a concert at the 930 Club: Though I'm not one for the emo or "alternative" scene, expand your horizons and go see Jacks Mannequin, Ani DiFranco, or Alice in Chains at some point this week. Shows are all usually under $30, and the venue is relatively small for an intimate experience.
• Check out Henry V at the Shakespere Theater: Enjoy an educational afternoon or evening and watch and entire show that reminds you of your college writing professor. Also, have fun pretending that you know what they're saying.
• Fight Abused and Tortured POWs: Join artists, politicians, and speakers at Georgetown University on 3/3 for an informational evening on what we can do to stop abuse towards prisoners during the "War on Terror". Not too much of an uplifting event, but you're helping a good cause.
• Wizards vs. Milwaukee Bucks: I don't know of too many Bucks fans, nor have I even heard of the team, but support your local team on 3/5 at the Verizon Center. Because I'm sure this game's going to be a real competitive one.
• The 9th Annual Leprechaun Lap: This Saturday, start St. Patrick's Day early with a bar crawl touching base everywhere from Mackey's to the Front Page. Enjoy tons of drink specials and bring two canned goods for the Manna Food Center for a reduced admission of $10. Though I'm about the farthest thing from Irish, I did this one year and had the time of my life. Get there at one and enjoy the festivities until nine.
• A Medieval Dinner: Enjoy a four-course dinner at The Caucus Room next Monday for a Shakespeare-inspired meal. With Henry V characters present and various entertainment, the food here is so delicious I would go just for that alone. Armor and girdle are optional.
• Wine Tasting: Though he's no Andrew Stover, enjoy a wine tasting dinner at Taberna del Alabardero with acclaimed sommelier Gustavo Inlesta from Torres Winery. At $85 a person, you'll receive a five course dinner and know how to tell the difference between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Sauvignon Blanc by the end of the meal.

Whether you're a fan of Milwaukee or the Medieval Era, DC has something to offer to everyone this week. Break away from your normal cycle of partying and try something new. 

Smell Sexy

Despite my terrible allergies and tendency to sneeze over the tiniest bit of pot pourri in a guest bathroom, there's one thing that, in mine opinion, is even worse then using a few extra tissues; smelling like a fart, body odor, or anything else unpleasent. I'm not telling you to skip the shower and, instead, spray your entire body with eau de toilette (which has several slang terms that I will not mention here for the fact that they're offensive), but I've always seen the importance of every woman smelling sexy. That doesn't mean wearing something strong like Chanel No. 5 into the office and having every single person gossip about who you're trying to seduce with your mature stench, but rather, wearing something appropriate for the mood that you're trying to convey for whatever you're doing, and with that, executing everything you do with the greatest level of confidence. And despite my constantly runny nose pre-septoplasty, I've sucked it up and continued wearing and experimenting with different fragerences, realizing that some of the best are also some of the least expensive (funny, this never happens to me with ANYTHING else...figures). Have a date? An important interview? Lunch with your Nana? Below are my perfect fragerence suggestions for every scenario life may have in store for you:

• For a Chapter Meeting with your sorority sisters: Daisy by Marc Jacobs. In tight quarters, it's not too strong and won't lead to people not wanting to sit next to you, and kind of reminds me of baby powder mixed with my grandmother's garden (is that weird?). And for all those pretentious girls who want to know why you smell so good-oh my gawd-you're wearng Marc Jacobs.
• For hanging out with the guy who's JUST your friend, but unfortunately, he may see you as more: L by L.A.M.B. It's citrus mixed with a little bit of cedar and grapefruit, and comes in a cute little square bottle decorated in traditional Rasta colors. It's traditional without being too girly-girl and ill do the trick in making sure that you smell good but will also be sure to let him know that he's just a friend...Sorry, man...
• For a night of fist pumping at the Jersey Shore (Or Mineral Spring Ave.):  Envy by Gucci. It's loud, sexy, and will be easily recognizable by your fello guidos and guidettes pressent. If you're from New Jersey, New York, or Rhode Island, it's guarenteed that you grew up with at least five girlfriends who wore Envy (Come on, am I wrong?).
• For a super-important job interview: The One by Dolce & Gabanna. Though it smells slightly mom-ish, it's fragrent forward, direct, and means business with notes of aragon, citrus, and wood. You'll go in feeling polished, confident, and mature (even if you're wearing a Hello Kitty thong underneath your Tahari suit).
• For a lunch with an older relative: Chantilly by CVS (?). This drugstore perfume is super cheap and will keep old people comfortable since it tends to be a farmiliar scent among their demographic. And frankly, don't judge, but it's quite floral and I actually think it smells really nice.
• For a trip down memory lane to middle school: Tommygirl by Tommy Hilfiger. Because you just weren't cool if you didn't get it in your Christmas stocking. And even though it wasn't so trendy anymore past eighth grade, it actually still smells really good looking back at it.
• For your Royal Carribean Cruise: G by Harajuku Lovers. Seriously, this stuff smells like a pina colada in the best of ways, and even if I'm not on a cruise, always give myself a squirt if I'm depressed about the cold winter weather. It takes me back to the Riu Negril in Jamaica every time I get a whiff. Plus, the bottle is an adorable Gwen Stefani action figure.
• For the times you just want to smell amazing: Fantasy by Britney Spears!! I bet you didn't see this one coming. It's sweet, floral, all around feminine, and quite inexpensive. And, it's probably my favorite fragerence of all time, making me smile everytime I wear it. I couldn't express to you how much I love this stuff.

From the drugstore brands to the designer trends, I endorse and have worn all of these fragerences at one point or another and endorse each of them for all of your day-to-day needs. Because you wouldn't wear the same underwear for Valentine's Day with your boyfriend to your annual physical, so why would you wear the same perfume?